


Elements of Blank

by Clare_Hope



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Touch-Starved, chosen family, especially when the memories you lost contain every good thing ever to happen to you, memory loss sucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:54:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 27,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23791930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clare_Hope/pseuds/Clare_Hope
Summary: There's always an element of blank when Taako tries to think about his past. One thing he's pretty sure he knows is that he doesn't have friends: never has, never will. Magnus and Merle beg to differ.(In which Taako tries to get used to the strangeness of having people care about him and eventually remembers that it wasn't always strange.)
Relationships: Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Magnus Burnsides & Merle Highchurch & Taako
Comments: 174
Kudos: 243





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Pain has an element of blank / It cannot recollect / When it began or if there were / A day when it was not. / It has no future but itself / Its infinite realms contain / Its past, enlightened to perceive / New periods of pain. --Emily Dickinson

Taako knew a few things about himself. He knew that he preferred to stay out of the line of fire, letting other people rush in ahead of him. He knew that the world was cruel, and that he couldn't afford to trust anyone but himself. Something else that he knew was that he didn't do  _ friends _ . He didn't do friends at all. Even taking companions like Merle and Magnus was pushing it. But  _ friends _ was an entirely different matter.

And another thing? Taako didn't do  _ hugs _ . That was altogether too touchy-feely, too vulnerable. Taako would rather die than let any of his companions hug him. He had never let anyone touch him, really, not for as long as he could remember. While he was doing his cooking show, fans would often want to hug him or shake his hand, and he never let them. Autographs were fine, he would smile and wave, but if just one person managed to get close enough to touch him, he would leave the town as quickly as he could. And that was fine. That was good.

He preferred it that way.

Didn't he?

He supposed he didn't have anything to compare it to.

It was Magnus who first tried to broach that invisible bubble that Taako had constructed so carefully around himself. Because of  _ course  _ it was. Magnus was too friendly and outgoing for his own good. 

A little while after the train debacle, after all of their injuries had healed, Taako was laying on his back on his bunk. Magnus was trying to convince him and Merle to go to some party that a few BOB members were having for someone's birthday.

"Nah, no thanks," Taako said.

"But you can dress up all fancy and show off! You love that," Magnus pleaded.

"That sounds  _ sooo _ tempting," Taako told him sarcastically. "But I'm gonna pass."

"C'mon, I've agreed to go," Merle said.

"Exactly. Two's company, and all that." Taako closed his eyes.

"Three isn't a crowd, it's a party!" argued Magnus. "It'll be fun!"

"Fun? Why didn't you say so? Of course I'll go!"

"Really?" Magnus said hopefully.

Taako looked over the edge of the bunk and glared at him. "No."

"Shoulda seen that one coming," Merle told a dejected Magnus.

"Why don't you wanna spend time with us? C'mon, we're your besties!" wheedled Magnus.

Annoyed, Taako hopped down from his bunk and headed towards the door. "The only 'best' anything you two can claim to be are best thorns in my side," he muttered. "I'm finding somewhere else to be tonight."

"Well, you're grumpy. Does someone need a hug?" And just as Taako reached the door, there was an arm around his shoulders.

Immediate and involuntary panic rose up in Taako's chest. He raised the umbrastaff on instinct and cast a Gust of Wind strong enough to knock Magnus several feet away from him. The human hit a chair and fell to the ground with a thud.

"Hey!" Merle cried, rushing to him. "That was a little harsh, Taako."

Without answering or looking back at what was surely a hurt and betrayed expression on Magnus's face, Taako clutched the umbrastaff harder and went out the door.

He had only known these people for a month, and they wanted him to be  _ friends _ with them? Forget it. Taako's good out here, away from parties and feelings and friends and stupid hugs. As he stalked out of the dormitory dome building and out into the night air, he shuddered. The weight of Magnus's arm on him had really freaked him out. Hopefully, getting pushed away so vehemently would clue him in to the fact that Taako didn't  _ do _ hugging.

Finding a secluded spot on the grass between the dormitory and the training field, Taako sat down with his back against a tree. He rested his chin on the handle of the umbrastaff. It was almost humming in his hands as he held it tightly. Sometimes, he could feel all of the magic that it contained right under his fingertips. It seemed to hum to him whenever he was a little bit on edge--some sort of empathetic magic, probably, which tuned into the user's emotions and reflected them. He wondered if it knew he was lonely.

That was something that Taako had a hard time understanding. He was thinking about it more and more recently. How could he possibly feel lonely when he had never known anything other than being alone? The pesky emotion was there again tonight, accompanied by the guilt of having possibly injured Magnus.

_ This is good _ , he tried to tell himself.  _ It's better if they hate you. So much easier not to care when they hate you. It's too hard if they love you. It hurts too much if they love...how do I know that? Nobody's ever loved me. _

A tear dripped down onto the umbrastaff. It disappeared in a puff of steam as the staff heated up slightly and hummed again in response before going silent and cooling back down.

Taako sniffled. He didn't mind crying when he was alone, but this was a stupid reason to cry. He shouldn't care about hurting these people. He was only here for the money, and because he knew that nobody else would have him these days. Not since he had fucked everything up with the show...since forty people had died because of his arrogance.

_ Shut up. Stop thinking about that. It's in the past. _

Movement in the corner of his eye made him freeze and then slowly look up. In a long blue dress, carrying her white oak staff like always, the Director was standing a little ways away. She looked just as shocked as he was to see him there, and the two of them just stared at each other for a minute.

"Hello, Taako," she said finally in a soft voice.

Taako waved half-heartedly. "'Sup, Director?" He wiped his eyes.

"Would you like me to pretend I don't see that you're crying?"

A bit surprised that she was being so blunt, Taako shrugged. "Not much point now, is there?"

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"No, but like...you're my boss, we probably shouldn't be having this conversation," Taako pointed out. "Wayyyyy too personal."

The Director approached him and sat down on the grass nearby. She looked a little younger in the starlight than she did indoors. "Perhaps not. Still, I'd be remiss as an employer if I didn't at least try to see to it that the people who work for me aren't utterly miserable."

"It's a nice thought, huh? But ya can't like, fix it. It's just too broken."

"What's broken, Taako?"

Taako gestured at himself.

She tilted her head. "Nothing is too broken to fix, you know."

"You can't glue something back together if half the pieces are missing," Taako blurted out.

"...What...do you mean?" she asked carefully.

"I don't--I don't even fuckin' know, honestly. It's just how it feels sometimes. 's stupid." Taako put his forehead down on the umbrastaff handle.

The Director went very quiet for a minute. "How long has it felt that way, Taako?"

"What are you, a therapist?" Taako laughed shakily. "You want me to say, 'well, it all started when...blah, blah, blah'? No, nothing like that. It's been this way my whole fuckin' life. Nothing's gonna come along and change that. Not even those two dumbasses with their stupid affection and jokes and hugs, like they're trying to rope me into something, like--like they wanna be  _ friends _ , or something."

"Merle and Magnus?"

" _ Noooo _ , the two half-elves who live in the room across from us," Taako drawled. "Yeah, those fuckers. They drive me nuts, thinking a couple of life-altering near-death-experiences suddenly makes us buddies. I'm not buddies with them. I'm never gonna be buddies with them, or anyone. It's just not my style."

"No?"

"Who needs friends when you're Taako from TV?" said Taako, tossing his hair back to pose in an attempt at humor.

She didn't look amused. If anything, the Director looked sad. "I'm sorry," she said. "That sounds, ah, lonely."

"Pssht," Taako dismissed. "I'm all I need."

"But you feel like...half of you is...missing?" she repeated.

"So what? Nothing's gone. It's just me. Always just been me." He started to stand up. "Thanks for the chat, but I think we're done here."

"Wait!" The Director stood up as well and gestured towards the spot where Taako had been sitting. "Please don't leave on my account if you're comfortable there. I'll head back to my office. You can stay there."

Slowly, Taako sat back down. "Thanks."

"Of course. You were here first, after all. Goodnight, Taako." And she walked away across the grass, cutting a noble figure in silhouette against the night sky.

Taako stayed there for a couple of hours, until the ground had leeched away all of his warmth and he was shivering in the chilly night breeze. He got to his feet stiffly. Hoping that his roommates were all still out at that party, he headed back to the dormitory with the intention of wrapping himself in blankets and falling fast asleep.

Unfortunately, the room was not empty when he pushed the door open. Pringles (as usual) wasn't there, and neither was Merle, but Magnus was sitting at the little desk in the corner in the chair that he had fallen over earlier. His head was down on his arms. Taako hoped he was asleep as he tiptoed past to get to his bunk.

No such luck. Magnus raised his head and turned to look at him. Their eyes met. Uncomfortable, Taako wondered if Magnus could tell that he had been crying.

"Taako?"

_ Is there anything I can even say? _ He stayed silent.

"You're shivering," Magnus observed.

"It's nippy out there."

"Were you wandering around outside that whole time?"

Taako shook his head. "Just sitting."

"You look cold. Do you, um, want some tea? Merle made me some and I didn't drink any of it. It's cold now, but you probably know how to heat it up with magic," Magnus said.

A little unsure as to why Magnus was being so nice to him, Taako gave a slight nod.

Magnus handed him a mug carefully. "Here you go."

Taako heated up the tea as he took the mug. He sipped it, grateful for the warmth and for the sweet taste. It was some sort of herbal blend with mint and chamomile. "Thanks."

"Course."

"Where did Merle go?"

"To that party," Magnus answered.

"Without you?"

He shrugged. "I wasn't exactly in the mood anymore."

Taako would have expected that to have sounded angry, or at the very least bitter, but Magnus just sounded like he was stating facts. "But he made you tea first?"

"I was upset. You know Merle. For all I tease him, he's actually a pretty good cleric."

"Listen--" Taako began awkwardly. "I, uh…okay, I'm not good at apologizing."

"Oh, you don't need to apologize. Please don't, actually. It, um, it wasn't your fault," Magnus told him.

Startled, Taako said, "Huh? Whaddya mean, of course it was--"

"No, no, I shouldn't have tried to hug you." He shook his head. "You weren't expecting it and you probably don't like being touched, I should have at least asked first. Of course you pushed me away."

"If...if it makes you feel any better, it wasn't on purpose," Taako let him know.

"It wasn't?"

"Like. Um, I cast the spell reflexively, not consciously. I wasn't, uh, intending to hurt you?" It wasn't supposed to be a question, but Taako was unsure whether Magnus would accept the explanation. He looked away and took another drink of the tea. He wasn't really shivering anymore. "I'd have shoved you away anyway, but Merle was right, that was more harsh than I should have been."

"Oh," said Magnus, relieved. "I-I'm glad you didn't mean to hurt me. I mean, I was fine, just a little bruised, but still."

"Look, I came back here to just go to bed, so…" Taako put the mug down and climbed up to his bunk.

"You don't hate me, then?" Magnus asked after a minute. His voice shook. He sounded very young.

Taako curled up underneath his blankets before responding. "Nah. I don't hate you, Magnus. But I don't do friends the way I think you wanna do friends, so just keep that in mind."

"I will, I promise. No more surprise hugs."

Finally warm again, Taako fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting two short chapters of this today (because I'm fundamentally not a patient person)!

It was after the events at Goldcliff now. Merle was snoring, and Taako couldn't sleep. He was tossing and turning, thinking about Red Robes and silverpoint poison and the Gaia Sash, and the devastation in Sloane's voice as she begged them not to let this happen again. He sat up and put his head in his hands.

He wasn't the only one awake in their brand new lodgings (which, while they were nicer than the last ones, still had one set of bunk beds and one single, which Merle had won in an intense and far too complicated game of rock, paper, scissors). Beneath him in the lower bunk, a muffled sob rang out. Taako winced. He peered over the edge of the bunk, hanging his head down so that he could look at Magnus. "Hey," he whispered.

Magnus flinched and raised his head from where it had been buried in his pillow. "Hey," he said miserably.

"I'd ask if you were okay, but like, you're not."

"No, 'm not." He shook his head. "I just can't s-stop crying, for some reason."

Every instinct in Taako's mind was screaming at him to back off, to leave Magnus alone with his feelings and pretend this had never happened. Instead, he asked, "Why?"

"I mean, 'cause…" Magnus let out another sob. "It was  _ awful _ , Taako. Poor Hurley...poor  _ Sloane _ , neither of them deserved that. It was awful!"

"Right." It  _ was _ awful. Taako had been trying unsuccessfully to forget about it all evening.

"And Captain Bane, too...I know he tried to kill us, but I don't think it was entirely his fault, you know? And it just--" He broke down crying some more.

"It just...what?" Taako prompted, knowing he might regret it.

"It r-reminds me of something," Magnus explained when he could form words again. "So many people dying needlessly…and it was partly my fault, y'know? If we could have just...I don't know, there must have been  _ something _ we could have done!"

_ Yep, I regret it. _ "There wasn't. Look, we got the sash. It's destroyed now. It won't ever hurt anyone again. We just gotta move on."

"That's not so easy for me, Taako."

To his own surprise, Taako found himself climbing down from his own bunk to sit a few feet away from Magnus on his. "I'm not saying it's  _ easy _ . I'm saying it's our only choice. If you get stuck on something that's already happened, you can't keep moving. And we  _ need _ to keep moving."

Magnus stared for a moment. He made a kind of jolting movement, like he was starting to do something but thought better of it.

"What the fuck was that?" Taako asked.

"I was, uh, gonna hug you. Figured that wouldn't be a good idea."

Taako coughed, surprised. " _ Yeah _ , maybe not. Thanks for restraining yourself."

He sniffed and wiped his eyes. "Thanks for the pep talk."

"Yep." Taako went back up to his bunk. He lay on his back, listening to Magnus's breathing slow down until he started snoring softly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Candlenights!

A week before Candlenights, Taako was told about the party. Merle had hesitantly informed him that Avi had mentioned it, and asked if Taako wanted to come.

"To a lame Candlenights workplace shindig? No thanks," scoffed Taako.

"But it's Candlenights! Everyone loves Candlenights. C'mon, don't you remember having fun on Candlenights when you were a kid at least?" Merle cajoled.

Taako was about to answer when he froze. He tried to remember a time he had ever celebrated Candlenights in his life.  _ I must have, right?  _ But he couldn't remember a single celebration, a single gift he had received or given. "I...don't know," he managed. It felt like his mine had just gone totally blank. A white sheet was cast over his memories. He knew Merle was talking to him, but he couldn't understand any of the words.

"...look at me? Hey, hey. Can you focus on me, Taako?"

Snapping out of it, Taako flinched. "What?"

Merle frowned. "You got all spacey for a minute. You okay, bud?"

"Right." Taako faked a laugh. "I was just trying to remember. But nah, I don't think I did. Not much worth celebrating when I was a kid."

"Oh." Merle suddenly looked very sad. "Well, all the more reason to start celebrating now, huh? You could make some festive cookies. You're always talking about how good of a baker you are, but we haven't seen the evidence once."

That only made Taako shut down further. "Not my thing, Merle. Thanks for extending the invite, but no."

"Okay," Merle accepted. "If you change your mind, we'd like your company."

"Of  _ course _ you would, I'm Taako from TV," he said with an exaggerated affectation.

Merle rolled his eyes. "No, just 'cause we like you. Dumbass." He left.

_ Rude. You can't just say stuff like that. _ Taako let out a  _ hmph _ and crossed his arms briefly before turning back to the book he had been reading.

The day before Candlenights, Taako was in the dormitory kitchen. He had closed the door and magicked a lock to keep everyone out while he tried to cook something for the first time since Glamour Springs. Having changed his mind at the last minute, he now had to desperately throw together something that could pass as gifts for everyone. He decided on elderflower macarons--they were about as far away from garlic chicken as any dish could be, and he wasn't going to use any magic while making them.

Even so, Taako was having a full-blown panic attack by the time he pulled the third tray out of the oven. The first two, he had thrown away immediately. He had been positive at the time that something was drastically wrong with them. In hindsight, they were  _ probably _ safe. But probably wasn't good enough. 

He shoved one from the third tray in his mouth without bothering to put icing on first. It burned his tongue. Taako choked it down without caring that he couldn't taste it past the heat and his tears. If these cookies were going to kill someone, he had better try them himself first.

Two hours later, he was sitting on the kitchen floor and was decidedly not dead. He figured then that they weren't going to kill anyone. After he had pulled himself together, he repeated the process with the icing. When he was done, he had a plate of beautiful light purple cookies, perfectly shaped and decorated, with no indication of the panic and caution that had gone into making them. He cleaned up the kitchen and covered the plate before finally unlocking the door and heading back to the dorm room. 

It was late, and the hallway was quiet. Taako crept into the room. Both of his roommates were in bed.  _ Good, no awkward questions about why I've been locked in the kitchen since noon. Or why I look so disheveled and freaked out. _ His braid had fallen out after a few hours of tugging at it from stress, and he was probably covered in flour. He climbed up to his bunk, placed the cookies into the little cupboard on the wall that the top bunk had instead of a bedside table, and made the flour disappear from his clothing.

"Taako?" a sleepy mumble came from across the room. Merle sat up in his bed. "Oh, good, you're back. We've been worried."

Taako squinted at him in the dark. "Why?"

"You've been locked in the kitchen all day," Merle said.

"'m fine."

"What were you doing in there?" the cleric wondered.

"Baking."

"Oh? Baking what?"

"...food."

Merle laughed quietly. "Yeah? That's great. Can I have some?"

"No."

"Why not?"

Taako laid down and pulled his pillow into his chest. "'s for later. Candlenights."

"Ohhh," Merle breathed. "Gotcha. So you're joining us? That's great, Taako!"

"It's not a big deal. Go to sleep, old man." Taako closed his eyes.

"I'm glad you changed your mind," Merle said after a few moments.

"Shhhhut up," muttered Taako, and he heard a soft chuckle before they both went quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some actual stuff starts happening in the next chapter. Stay tuned! <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nothing like breaking down in the middle of the night to spur on honest conversations abt ur feelings! (enjoy the chapter!) <3

_ Pink crystal spread over steel laboratory walls, over furniture and up on the ceiling. Taako watched in horror as the crystal stole across the floor and reached Merle and Magnus. It crept up their legs, and Taako screamed. "No!" _

_ It grew up over their faces. Then they shattered. Tiny shards of sharp pink crystal flew everywhere, hitting Taako, blinding him, and the worst part was that he knew he deserved this, he knew it was his fault somehow, even though he didn't know why. It was his fault that Merle and Magnus were-- _

And then Taako was falling. He screamed again, but this time he was awake. He hit the floor of the dorm room with a crash, and he heard a snap in his wrist as he tried to catch himself. The snap was followed by a fierce, sharp pain which made him let out another scream.

"Holy shit! Taako, are you okay?"

Taako couldn't breathe. The wind had been knocked out of him so thoroughly that he couldn't even figure out from where he had fallen or what had happened.

"Taako? Taako, look at me! Can you sit up?"

"What happened? Is he okay?"

"I heard him cry out in his sleep and then he was falling. He must have had a nightmare, but he won't even look at me. I'm worried if I touch him, he'll freak."

"I'm--fine," Taako gasped. Tears sprang to his eyes from the pain in his wrist. He tried to sit up and collapsed back down with a whimper.

"No, you aren't," Merle said.

"I'm--" But Taako couldn't finish his sentence. Someone touched his shoulder. He flinched and tried to throw the hand away.

"Easy, hold still. It'll just be for a second." Merle touched his shoulder again.

"Get  _ off _ !" shouted Taako. This time, Merle withdrew on his own. Taako took a shaky breath and scrambled to his feet, clutching his wrist to his chest. "I'm  _ fine _ , I'm gonna walk it off."

Merle followed him. "You can't walk off a broken wrist, dumbass, let me help you!"

"Taako, come on," Magnus pleaded.

"Leave me alone!" Taako made it to the doorway before his knees gave out and he ended up collapsed onto the ground again. He couldn't hold back a sob.

His companions were both quiet for a moment. "Just let me fix your wrist, Taako," Merle said softly. "That's all."

Hiding his face in his other hand, Taako extended his arm for Merle to take. The dwarf's new wooden hand wrapped gently around his broken wrist. It burned for a moment as a flash of warmth extended into his arm, and then the pain faded. It was a little easier to breathe now.

After a few seconds, Merle released him. For some unfathomable reason, Taako wished he hadn't.

"There you go. That's done."

Taako said nothing, but he stood up. He wiped his eyes roughly and left the room, heading straight towards the Director's--  _ Lucretia's _ office. He wasn't sure what he was going to do when he saw her, but he banged loudly at the door. "Director!"

It took almost a whole minute for her to answer. Lucretia was wearing a blue robe when she opened the door, and she looked like she had just woken up. "Oh, gods," she said by way of greeting. "Taako, what's the matter?"

"I need to leave," Taako said instantly.

"What?"

Taako clapped his hand over his mouth, letting out a sob.

Lucretia's eyes widened. "Oh...oh, dear. Taako, will you come in? Please?"

He let her lead him into her office, still crying. She guided him to a chair, careful not to touch him, and then sat down on top of her desk in front of him. She waited.

"I just can't be here anymore," Taako managed. "I'm sorry. I know it's...against the rules, or whatever…"

"Do you mean that you wish to leave the Bureau of Balance, Taako?"

He nodded.

"Can I ask why?"

"Because I'm a coward," Taako said bitterly.

Lucretia tilted her head. "Is that so?"

"And this thing with the stone, I just… here's the thing." Taako put his head in his hands. "I've been here too long, and I can feel myself starting to care."

"Starting to care," she echoed.

"Don't make me fucking spell it out, Lucretia! I've started to care about the people here, and I can't stand it, and I'm fucking terrified."

"Terrified of what, Taako?"

" _ Losing _ them!" he cried out. "If I stay here, I'll start caring more, and I  _ can't _ do that! I just can't!" He burst into more tears. "I'm already having fucking nightmares about it. I need to leave, I need to--" His sobs got louder.

He wasn't expecting her to start shushing him. "Taako, shhh, it's alright. It's going to be alright. Calm down, please, shhhh. Let's talk about this, but you need to calm down. It's going to be alright."

Taako looked up as her comforting words sunk in. "If I leave, will you send the regulators to come hunt me down and deal with me?"

Lucretia gave him a weak smile. "No, Taako, I won't. But I also don't think you're going to leave."

"But I want to!"

"Do you? Or are you just scared?"

"Why can't it be both?!" Taako cried.

She laid her hand on his arm. For once, he didn't pull away. "Have you talked to them about this?" she asked.

He snorted. "What do you think?"

"I suppose I should have guessed. But Taako, it may help." Lucretia seemed to realize that she was touching him and pulled back. "Apologies."

"'s okay." And it was, surprisingly. He hadn't minded the touch. Taako wiped his eyes again. "But I can't, I can't talk to them. I just have to leave."

Lucretia sighed. "I can...I can reassign you to a different room, and I'll see that your training is never together so you don't have to see them unless we find another Relic and send all three of you. But it would be very difficult for you to leave, Taako. You...you do  _ know _ that, right? And you know that we need you. Our mission may fail without you."

Too miserable to make any sort of quip, Taako just shook his head.

"It is true, though, even if you can't believe it. And you may be afraid of losing the people you've come to care for, Taako, but if you leave, you will  _ certainly _ lose them," Lucretia told him. Her tone was gentle, but her words were serious. "And if you stay, you may not. How do you think they'll manage without you? You are...irreplaceable, Taako."

"Yeah, right."

"But you are. You don't have to take my word for it, but I am telling you the truth. Can I make you some tea, Taako? You're...you're still upset."

He shrugged. "Yeah, okay," he mumbled.

"I'll be back in just a moment." Lucretia stood up and walked off. She came back carrying two cups of tea. "Here."

Taako accepted the mug. He took a small sip. "You're the first person here who's managed to make tea the right way and with the right amount of sugar," he said, a little impressed. " _ Almost _ perfect. Could have steeped for another thirty seconds or so."

She laughed. "How did I know you would make some criticism of it?"

He managed a smile. He was finally able to stop crying as he drank the tea. "Thanks," he said quietly. "For the tea. And the...um, talk."

"It's the least I could do. So...what are you going to do?" she asked.

"I'm gonna go back to sleep, first of all."

"A good idea. I meant--"

"I know what you meant." Taako finished his tea and placed the mug on the desk. "But I'm more than a little mortified about this whole fuckin' breakdown, so I'm just gonna go for now."

"You don't have to be embarrassed, Taako, I promise. And I won't tell anyone." Lucretia stood up and walked with Taako to the door. "Please come back and talk to me again at some point soon, and we can work things out if we need to. Tomorrow, even, at a more...sunny hour, perhaps."

"Right."

"I'll be sure to steep the tea a little longer next time."

Taako rolled his eyes. "The tea was fine, Lucretia."

"As long as you don't call me that in front of anyone else," Lucretia warned. "I do prefer you all to call me Director."

"Sure thing. How about Lucy?" he joked.

A pained expression crossed her face. "No."

"Alright, alright. See you 'round, Director." Taako went back to the dorm.

Sitting on Merle's bed, his roommates were still awake. Merle jumped to his feet when Taako walked in. "Where the hell have you been?" he demanded.

Taako was surprised by the anger in his voice--the anger which couldn't conceal the worry underneath. "Why does it matter?"

"Because by the time we had gotten over our shock at you falling out of bed, breaking your wrist, and running out of the room crying and we went after you, we couldn't find you anywhere," Magnus answered. "We were worried. We didn't know what you were gonna do."

"I was with the Director," he said shortly.

Magnus and Merle exchanged glances. Merle sat back down on the bed. "Good. At least you were with someone sensible and not all alone," Merle muttered.

"Taako, please talk to us," Magnus implored.

"Can it wait until morning?" Taako said hopelessly.

"If it has to." Merle sighed. "But I think we do need to talk."

"I know." Taako started to climb up to his bunk, but someone stopped him with a hand on his back. He froze.

"How about you stay down here for the rest of the night?" Magnus suggested.

"I'm not gonna  _ fall _ again," Taako said.

"You sure?"

"I'm not gonna. Really. Can you please take your hand off of me?"

Magnus stopped touching him. 

Taako suddenly felt rather cold. He climbed up the rest of the way and curled up tightly. He grabbed the umbrastaff where it still lay in his bed. He only then realized that he hadn't been holding it when he fell, and had therefore been without it for a good hour. That realization made him start to tremble slightly. He pulled it close to his chest, where it hummed gently, and he closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope y'all are doing well, stay safe <3 ~Martin


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't want to make you wait anymore, here you go! some warnings for this chapter for like, mentions of people dying? also some arguing, because thbs can't have a conversation without squabbling a bit. also magnus cries. enjoy! <3

When he woke up the next morning (without having any more nightmares, thank the gods), Taako felt an icy cold dread in the pit of his stomach. He wanted  _ nothing _ less than to have any sort of conversation with Merle and Magnus right now, and briefly contemplated feigning staying asleep so he could put it off. But instead he sat up, rubbed his eyes, and looked over the side of the bunk.

Magnus and Merle were sitting at their round table in the corner. They were talking quietly. As Taako sat up, Magnus turned his head to look at him. "Morning," he said.

"So it appears to be," Taako replied.

"Come down when you're ready to talk," Merle added, patting the empty third chair at the table.

"Ooh, can't do that. I'd starve to death before I made it down," muttered Taako, but he climbed down holding the umbrastaff and sat at the table. He couldn't make eye contact with either of them.

"So…" Merle began. "What happened last night?"

"I think it was pretty fuckin' obvious, m'dude? I fell out of bed like I'm some kinda kid, which is embarrassing as all hell so I'd appreciate it if we could move the fuuuck along," Taako sniped.

Merle crossed his arms and glared, which might have looked more intimidating if he wasn't wearing pale green floral pajamas. "That doesn't cover the half of it, Taako! Don't make me cast--"

"Oh, don't you  _ fucking  _ dare."

"--Zone of Truth," Merle finished. "Because I will if I think you're not being honest with us!"

Infuriated, Taako pointed the umbrastaff at him. "And what the fuck makes you think you have the right to know  _ anything _ about me, huh? Why do you think you're entitled to the truth about whatever it is that's going on? It's not any of your fucking business!" he shouted. "We aren't  _ friends _ , Merle."

"Bullshit! You're just too emotionally stunted to know that we are!"

"What the  _ fuck did you just call me _ ?!"

Merle stood up on his chair, leaning forward so he and Taako were face to face. "I said that you're emotionally stunted."

"Bold fucking words from the guy who's a jerk to a little kid because he's afraid that the kid is gonna replace him!" Taako snarled.

"We aren't talking about me right now, we're talking about you!"

"Guys!" Magnus cried. " _ None _ of that is helping. Sit down, Merle. Taako, stop pointing your wand at him. We're just gonna talk this out!" Slowly, Merle sat back down. Taako lowered the umbrastaff. Magnus let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you. I'd rather we all get out of this one uninjured, if it's alright with you."

Taako crossed his arms across his chest to disguise his trembling. "Fine."

"Good. Now. Taako." Magnus put his hand on the table halfway between them. "I think it's time we go back to that whole friends thing, 'kay?"

" _ No-- _ "

"Yes," Magnus said patiently. "Yes, we aren't gonna ignore it. You  _ are _ our friend, Taako, whether you want to admit it or not. We love you."

Taako flattened his ears back against his head. He didn't like the way those words twisted in his head and ended up somewhere in his throat in a painful lump that made it impossible to speak.

"And I know you have a hard time with that! I don't know exactly why you're so against the idea of people caring about you, just like I don't know why you refuse to let us touch you, but that's what's going on here. The reason why we got so freaked out last night was because we love you, and we didn't know how to help you," Magnus said. "Right, Merle?"

"...yeah. Though I'm thinking about taking back that whole love thing 'cause of how you were talking to me a minute ago," Merle grumbled.

Magnus smacked his arm. "No! You are not, asshole! That's the whole point. Hey, how come I'm the most emotionally mature one at this table?! That's not my fuckin' job, guys. Maybe Merle  _ should _ cast Zone of Truth, 'cause at least then we can't hide anything from each other."

Taako still couldn't talk.

"No, I think Taako's right about that one. This shouldn't be a forced conversation. If we aren't ready to have it…" Merle shrugged.

"Maybe so, but listen, we've all saved each others' lives more times than I can count--"

"Which admittedly may not be very high--"

"--shut up, Merle--so I think we can have  _ one _ open conversation about our feelings! Is that too much to ask?" Magnus bemoaned.

Merle looked over at Taako. "Might be, actually. Taako looks like he's about to...I'm not sure if I should say 'explode' or 'cry'. Could be both."

Taako managed to flip him off, but still couldn't say anything past the lump in his throat.

"Taako? Want to weigh in?" Magnus asked.

He shook his head sharply.

Magnus frowned. "Are you--hey, seriously, are you okay right now? You do actually look super freaked out."

Every part of Taako was recoiling from this conversation. He found himself shaking his head again.  _ No. Not okay. Definitely very much not okay. _

"If this is really too much, Taako, you don't have to. Like...like I said, we love you. If you're genuinely really uncomfortable here, we won't make you stay and talk." Magnus was watching him with concern and  _ fuck _ , there were those words again. "We love you. We don't want to hurt you."

"Then-- _ stop _ !" Taako choked out.

"Stop?"

"Stop saying that!" Taako buried his face in his hands. "I can't stand it!"

"Stop saying that we love you?" Merle clarified.

"Please!" He was almost crying as he begged. "Please just stop, I can't do it."

Magnus shifted in his chair, and then he was leaning over right next to Taako. He wasn't quite touching him, but he was close enough that if he wanted to, Taako could move just a couple inches and be pressed against his side. "Okay," he said softly. "I'll stop saying it. But you have to explain why."

"That's not fair," Taako said.

"Maybe not, but it's what you're getting."

Taako groaned and put his head down on the table. "Fine! Fucking...fine, I'll...I'll  _ try _ ."

"That's all we're asking," Merle told him.

"I don't know how to  _ deal with that _ ," Taako said after a bit of stammering and muttered curses. "'kay? Happy? I have no fuckin' clue how to respond, or to deal with it. I just don't fuckin' know how. I've never known how, 'cause I've never  _ had _ it. I was  _ this close _ to jumping right the fuck off the moon last night when I was talking to the Director, I told her I was gonna leave, 'cause it's just too much. I still might leave, if I figure out how."

There was a bit of a stunned silence. Then--

"You were gonna leave?" Magnus said, sounding devastated. "But...but why, Taako?"

"You don't think we  _ want  _ you to leave, right?" Merle added, just as shaken.

"No, I don't think...I don't know what I think. The only thing I know is that I'm scared of this." Taako couldn't believe he was admitting all of this. Had Merle cast Zone of Truth somehow anyway without him knowing?

"Scared of...being loved?" said Magnus.

"Yeah, partly. And also I've started having fucking  _ nightmares _ about you two dying, which is a clear sign that I've started caring too much."

" _ Oh _ \--oh, Taako…" Magnus gasped.

"Is that what you were dreaming about last night?" Merle realized.

Taako had to stand up and take a few steps away from the table, turning his back on them before he could nod a confirmation.

Magnus stood up as well. Taako could hear him take a couple of steps forward before he was stopped in his tracks. Merle hissed, "Mags! Think before you hug!"

"I know, I just...really wanna hug him!"

"It would make things worse. Sit down."

Magnus sat down. "Taako? Um, if it helps, I've had lots of bad dreams about you guys getting hurt or dying, too."

"It does  _ not help _ ," Taako said vehemently, whirling around to face them. "Don't you understand? This is why I want to leave! The  _ only  _ thing that any of this 'caring' shtick can ever bring is pain. Why can't you understand that?"

Magnus's lower lip quivered.

"Oh, fuck," Taako said as the human burst into tears. "Merle, I didn't mean to make him cry."

"I know, I know. But ya did." Merle was already standing up on his chair to hug Magnus, patting his back reassuringly. "Pull yourself together, kid, we're still having a conversation here. Hey, hey, c'mon."

"I'm s-sorry," Magnus sobbed.

"No, no. Shh-sh-sh-sh-sh," Merle said, continuing to pat his back. "No apologies. Just calm down."

Magnus did as Merle suggested and pulled himself together after a few more sobs. He turned towards Taako, eyes still watering, and said, "I'm really,  _ really  _ sorry that you feel that way, Taako. But how do you know? If you've never had it before, how do you know that it doesn't make all the pain worth it?"

"I…" Taako didn't know how to answer.

"Because I  _ have _ , Taako! I've done the loving people thing, and I've fucking lost them!"

Taako had never heard Magnus get this intense before. It was almost frightening.

"And you're right, it  _ hurts _ . It hurts more than anything else in the world. But you know what else? I'd do it all over again! I love you, and I love Merle, and I love Carey and Killian and Johann and Avi and the Director and Angus, and I'm  _ fucking scared _ , all the time, that I'm gonna lose one of you. But I'm  _ still fucking here _ , Taako! I'm still here, because loving people is worth it! It's worth  _ all _ of the pain and terror." Even as he talked, Magnus was crying again. "And I just...I wish you could see that, 'cause...I don't know how you bear it otherwise. I don't know how you survive."

"I don't know, either," Taako confessed.

"Can you just  _ try _ ?" pleaded Magnus. "Just this once. Just try having friends, try caring, and being cared for. Please."

"I can…" Taako had to come and sit back down before he collapsed from the way he was shaking. "I guess I can try," he whispered.

"Thank you." Magnus started wiping his eyes and ended up crying into his hands some more. Merle hugged him again and he leaned into the embrace.

Taako sat numbly, watching them. He wasn't sure what he had just gotten himself into, but he supposed he was going to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeesh, taako really needs a hug, huh? well, maybe next chapter ;)
> 
> hope y'all are doing okay! it's May! that's wild. love u, stay safe, the world is better because you are a part of it <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warnings: taako's Straight Up Not Having A Good Time for a lot of this one, severe touch/affection starvation, plenty of anxiety and panic. Particular warning for unintentional self-injuring behavior (pretty mild but I figure better to warn than not warn)
> 
> In which Magnus moves things forward by being Magnus (he just wants to hug his friends! let him hug his friends!)

It was a couple days after the conversation. They hadn't really talked about it since, but things were a little different. A little more comfortable, a little less painful. Taako had found a moment to pull Lucretia aside and mumbled something about how actually, he didn't think he was going to be leaving quite yet, but he would take her up on her offer for tea at some point if it was still standing. She had given him a rare smile and assured him that the offer was perpetual and unconditional.

Taako hadn't slept well that night. There didn't seem to be any particular reason--he didn't have any nightmares, he just couldn't fall asleep. Today, he had elected that he was too tired to actually go do any training and would remain in the dorm room reading. He struggled to keep his eyes open as he read the same sentence over and over.

The door opened. Magnus walked in, whistling cheerfully. "Oh, hey, Taako. You look really tired, dude."

"Uh-huh. Why're you back so early?" Taako asked.

"Carey had something else to do tonight." Magnus sat down next to Taako at the table with a sigh. "How's the book?"

"I have no idea what the past ten pages have said, so that's a cool experience," Taako said sarcastically. "It's like reading in a language I don't know, but I know the language! Super exciting. I need a fuckin' nap."

"Same, honestly." Magnus yawned. "Hey, Taako? 'fore we both go take naps, can I ask you about something?"

Warily, Taako shrugged. "You can  _ ask _ ."

"I wanna know why you don't like us touching you," he said simply. "You don't have to talk about it, of course, if it's too hard. Or if you just don't want to. Don't feel pressured to answer."

Taako's stomach clenched. He felt almost sick. "I don't...um, look…"

Magnus put his hand up. "I'm serious, you can tell me to fuck right off and I will."

_ Oh, I'm tempted to. _ But there was something else, too, some instinct that told Taako that Magnus would somehow  _ get it _ if he tried to explain. Magnus might even be able to tell him  _ why _ he felt like this. "No, it's a fair question, actually," he hastened. "Just give me a minute."

"All the time you need," Magnus assured him.

Eventually, Taako answered, "It's kinda the same thing as...y'know. I don't know how to handle it. It makes me uncomfortable 'cause of how unfamiliar it is, and it freaks me out...just the thought of anyone touching me makes me freak out a bit. Hey, you're not gonna, like, tell anyone about this?"

"No!" Magnus said, appalled that Taako would even suggest such a thing. "This is just between us, I promise."

That made him a little more comfortable. Taako gave him a thumbs up. "Coolio."

"Course. Can I ask a follow-up question?"

Taako pretended to sigh dramatically and roll his eyes. "Oh, alright."

"When's the last time you  _ did _ let anyone touch you? And I don't mean like, the way you've touched us because of battles and shit, helping us up or pushing us out of the way of some danger. Actually touched. Like...hugged someone. Held their hand, cuddled them, sat in their lap, fell asleep on their shoulder," Magnus listed.

His memory was white and fuzzy again no matter how far back he tried to recall. Vaguely, he thought that his aunt might have hugged him when he was a child, but that was all he was getting. "Uhh...possibly never, m'dude."

"Never?" Magnus's voice broke.

"Not that I can remember, anyway."

"That...that's an exaggeration, right?" He sounded like he desperately wanted that to be true.

"Um. I think maybe some relatives when I was really, really little? Oh, I let the Director touch my arm for approximately three seconds while I was having a breakdown at her desk, does that count?" Taako said.

"Hoooo boy. No, I don't think that really counts." The way Magnus was looking at him made Taako squirm. There was something akin to pity there. Pity was not something that Taako liked to be on the receiving end of. "Taako, you can't remember...anyone  _ ever _ giving you any physical affection?"

"Nope. Why, is it that important?" Taako tried to joke.

But Magnus was nodding seriously. "I mean, yeah, it kinda is. That's a lot, Taako. I don't...I can't imagine. I know...I know the thought makes you freak out a little, but is it something you'd ever...well,  _ want _ ? Be honest, and actually think about it _. _ "

Taako closed his eyes.  _ Why am I even obliging him in this?  _ he whined internally. But he did oblige, and he thought about it. He thought about letting Magnus put his arms around him and pull him in close. Very quickly, his mind tried to wriggle away from the thought.  _ Stop it! _ After several more attempts, Taako concluded that he couldn't even conjure up the way that it would feel in his imagination. It was like there was a wall there. Something was trapped on the other side, but he couldn't quite reach it. "I don't know," he said finally. "I tried and I just...don't know."

"Oh, okay." Magnus paused. "How would you feel about trying anyway?"

His throat closed up with uncertainty. He tried to convey that with a panicked stare.

"Hey, hey, breathe. I'm not gonna force you to do anything, it's just an idea. You might be surprised by how much you don't hate it. And if you  _ do _ hate it, you never have to do it again," Magnus explained.

Taako grabbed onto the side of the table, forcing himself to stay seated and not run away. "How?" he asked, hoping that Magnus would understand.

"Well, a hug might be a bit too much at first. I could just hold your hand, maybe? And you could pull away if you wanted to stop."

Very hesitantly, Taako stretched one hand out towards him and nodded.

Magnus's hand closed gently around his. His skin was calloused and rough, but warm. His thumb stroked across the back of Taako's wrist. "There you go," he said after Taako didn't yank his hand away. "How's that?"

Taako couldn't look at him. His breath was coming in short, whimpery gasps. The touch felt almost, almost familiar-- _ painfully _ so, like he had known what it felt like to have a friend touch him in another life. He didn't understand it, but he didn't want it to stop.

"Just pull away if it's too much," Magnus reminded him.

"No," Taako said. "It--it's fine."

"Yeah?" Magnus stroked his wrist again. "Can we just sit like this for a little while then?"

"Yes, please." The words escaped him in an involuntary gasp. He put his head down on the table, hiding in his other arm. A tight grip of embarrassment was making him unable to look at his friend.

"You're okay," Magnus whispered a minute later. "Taako, you're alright. You're super tense, buddy. Take a breath."

"...doin' my best." For the first time, Taako managed to squeeze his hand.

"There you go! That's good, Taako. See, you're not just tolerating it now, you're even responding," Magnus said, thrilled.

"Yeah, well." Taako raised his head. "It...it's gonna take some getting used to, I think."

"But you don't hate it?"

"No, I don't hate it. It's just really fuckin' weird," he stated. " _ Fuck _ , I hate all of these stupid feelings, though. Hey, screw you guys for making me fucking  _ care _ about you. That was really rude."

Magnus laughed. "Not our fault we're just really loveable."

"I'm not sure how, but it's  _ definitely _ all your fault," Taako groused.

"Mmhmm. If you're chill with the handholding, can I try something else too?" Magnus asked.

Taako wrinkled his nose and pretended like he had to really think about it. "I  _ guess _ ," he said. "Nothing  _ weird _ , though."

"You got it." Magnus touched his shoulder, then slid his hand down to the middle of his upper back, right between his shoulder blades. "How's that? Not too weird?"

_ Shit. _ Taako couldn't breathe again. This time, it was because he was fighting back tears as well as some strange instinct which told him to lean over and curl into Magnus's side. Where was  _ that _ coming from?

"Taako? Talk to me. You okay?"

If he leaned over right now, Magnus's arm would be around him, holding him. Taako had gotten enough of this contact by now to make a guess at what it would feel like, and he was struggling to keep himself sitting upright.  _ This was why I didn't want this! All it's going to do is make everything harder. _

"Say something, Taako."

" _ Damn it _ ," Taako said, swallowing back the lump in his throat. "You broke me. Now I'm broken. Great."

"What do you mean?"

"Congratulations, Magnus Burnsides, you've officially made Taako from TV into a  _ complete fucking mess _ ! Be sure to sweep up the pieces into the trash can on your way out," Taako replied loudly.

"Huh?"

Taako put his hand over his mouth as he tried to hold back a quiet sob.

"Oh, okay. Taako, what do you need? How can I help?"

"I  _ need _ ," Taako said shakily. "To go back to a time before you assholes made me into this...whatever this is, right now. But I can't do that, and it's all your fault."

Magnus tightened his grip on Taako's hand. "Are you actually angry at us? Or is this something else?"

"Angry? I'm not fucking angry, I'm  _ terrified _ ! I'm so, so far away from holding it together right now, and it's  _ your fault _ and I can't do this!" Taako dug his fingernails into his own arm roughly, trying to ground himself.

For a brief, agonizing second, Magnus took his hand off of Taako's back. But then he was gently uncurling Taako's hand, making him release his arm. He smoothed his thumb gently across the angry red dents in his skin. "Careful, hey, hey, don't hurt yourself. Easy, now. Breathe. Taako, you don't have to hold it together anymore, you know that? Look at me." The warmth of his hand pressed up against the side of Taako's face. "C'mon, buddy, just look at me."

Tears spilling over onto his cheeks, Taako managed to look Magnus in the eye. "I hate you," he mumbled.

"No, you don't. That's the point." Magnus wiped away the tears as they fell.

"Yeah, I do," Taako said, but he was very obviously lying. "With your stupid f-feelings, and your dumb questions…here's a question for you. Why does this hurt so much?"

"I don't--"

"And how do I make it  _ fucking stop _ ?!"

Magnus looked upset. "I don't know. I'm sorry, Taako, I just don't know. I didn't think it was gonna be this bad. Do you want me to stop? I'll leave you alone if you want."

"No--no, don't, that's  _ worse _ !"

Just then, the door opened and Merle came in. He took a long look at the scene before saying, "Hey, kids, what the hell is happening here?"

Taako wished he could just melt into the floor. He considered casting Blink so that he didn't have to face his friends like this anymore.

"Um," Magnus said. "Nothing?"

_ Oh, he's trying to keep his 'won't tell anyone anything' promise.  _ "Cat's out, Magnus," Taako said.

"What?"

Taako glared through his tears. "Just explain what's happening, I don't care."

"Oh! Okay," Magnus said, relieved. Turning to Merle, he said, "Taako hasn't gotten much physical affection like  _ ever _ , which is why he doesn't let us touch him, so we were trying to fix that and now he's crying and I don't know what to do."

"He broke me," Taako added.

Merle walked up to them, hands on his hips. "Have you tried turning him off and on again?" he asked Magnus. The simple joke broke the tension in the room. Magnus laughed. Even Taako managed to let out a small giggle. Merle looked very pleased with himself as he patted Taako's knee. "That's better."

"Let's try that, actually, someone knock me the fuck out and let me restart," Taako said. "Please, that would be better than staying conscious."

"No, no, no," Magnus chastised.

"I don't know, it might work!" Taako was pulling their legs at this point. He actually felt slightly less disjointed now, less like he was about to fall apart at the seams. His heart felt lighter.

"I'm not knocking you out," Magnus insisted.

"I'm joking, I'm joking." Taako rolled his eyes. "Mostly."

"You've also stopped crying, so that's something at least." Magnus took his hand off of Taako's face and put it back on his shoulder. "Wanna keep going with this or would you rather stop for now?"

Merle's hand was still on his knee. Taako closed his eyes, trying to process the sensation of having both of his friends touching him at once. "Not stop," he said finally. "Like I said, you broke me. But I think you're the only thing keeping me together right now, so like, fuck you guys, but also if you stop I may never forgive you."

"You don't have to threaten us, idiot, we're not going anywhere," Merle said. He hopped up onto the third chair and reached up to adjust Taako's braid where one lock of hair was trying to escape from the plait.

Taako froze. Without meaning to, he leaned his head back against Merle's hand.

"Yes? Oh, hey, Taako. Has anyone ever braided your hair for you, or have you always done it yourself?" asked Merle.

"I…" There was that white sheet over his memory again. "Don't think so," he finished.

"Can I try?"

With a shrug, Taako said, "Sure, I don't care." 

The feeling of having someone take the braid out of his hair, brush it out, and then braid it again flipped some sort of switch in him. He was completely relaxed now, his eyes half-closed, his breathing slow. Magnus was having to hold him upright, but he didn't care.

"That sure is something, huh?" whispered Merle after the third time he had undone the braid to do it again.

"I think he's asleep," Magnus said in the same hushed tone.

"Am...not," Taako grumbled.

Merle laughed quietly. "Not quite, obviously. But ya probably will be in about five minutes."

Taako didn't have the willpower to argue. While Merle continued to braid, Taako felt more tears come unbidden, welling up under his eyelids and spilling out slowly. It took Magnus a few minutes to notice. "Oh, why are you crying? Is something wrong?" he asked.

"No, I just…" Taako wasn't sure. A little dazed, he slumped forward and ended up with his forehead resting on Magnus's shoulder.

Magnus held very still. "Okay, no problem. You're okay. Why don't you try taking that nap you mentioned earlier?"

"Uh-huh," Taako said tiredly. "I'm...gonna fall over."

"No, you won't. I've got you," Magnus said decisively. His arm went behind Taako's back and held him steady. "Is this o--oh, wow, hello."

Taako had leaned in even closer. He was nearly slipping off of his chair. "Shut up."

Magnus didn't say anything. He scooted his chair so it was right next to Taako's and, keeping his arm behind Taako's back, let the elf rest against his side. He gave Taako a gentle squeeze.

"I still hate you guys," mumbled Taako. "Just so you know."

"Oh, we know," Merle humored him.

"Yeah, definitely. Go to sleep, Taako."

Right before Taako was asleep, in his very last moments of awareness, he had the strangest sense of deja vu. It was almost like he had fallen asleep being held like this before.

But of course, that was ridiculous. He would remember something like that…

_ Wouldn't I? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> he's working on it! he's doing so good! and magnus and merle are such good friends I love them! (tres horny boys more like tres soft boys am i right)
> 
> i'm currently writing chapter 12 of this fic and it's making me cry so look forward to That I Guess!!!!!
> 
> hope you are all doing well, getting enough rest and hydration. also eat some food, you need that to live. take a nap if you want one. i love you <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is super short, i'll post another chapter tomorrow!

Taako woke up feeling strange. It took him a moment to determine what was different today than any other morning, but when he did figure it out, it was like someone had punched him in the stomach. His breathing hitched.

He was laying on his side like usual, his hand wrapped around the umbrastaff like usual. But he wasn't alone. The weight of Magnus's arm pressed down over his waist, holding him close. Magnus was still asleep. Taako could feel his slow, steady breathing where the human was curled up against him.

_ First of all, what the fuck? _

Taako opened his eyes to discover that he and Magnus were in the bed that wasn't a bunk bed. It was Merle's, and Merle was in Magnus's lower bunk. He then had the realization that Magnus must have carried him to the bed from where they had been sitting at the table. That sent a shock of apprehension down his spine. He did not like the idea that someone could have picked him up and carried him anywhere while he was sleeping without waking him up. And why was Magnus still  _ here _ ? Still holding him? Moreover, how had Taako slept through the entire night being held without even knowing it?

The hazy, tired memories of the conversation from last night flooded through Taako's mind. They were muddled from the exhaustion and emotional turbulence, but he pieced together that he had confessed he had never exactly been hugged before, let Magnus hold his hand, and fallen apart crying until Merle arrived. Trying not to bump into Magnus's arm, Taako reached up and touched his hair. It was braided loosely and the tail was longer than Taako would normally leave it. He remembered feeling Merle's hands in his hair and the calm, relaxed state he had been left in.  _ That was...weird. Super weird _ , Taako thought.  _ What was up with that? _

Magnus mumbled something in his sleep and shifted slightly. Taako held his breath. If Magnus was waking up, Taako was definitely going to pretend to be still asleep so he didn't have to face actually  _ talking _ about the fact that they had spent the night cuddled up together. But Magnus settled down again after a moment and snored once, softly.

As quickly and smoothly as he could, Taako slid out from under Magnus's arm and got out of bed. Merle was still snoring as well. Taako got dressed and left the room to get something to eat. They had some training to do later that day, and Taako was hoping not to have to face his friends before then.

To his great relief, they took their cues from him and didn't bring it up in any outright manner. Merle gave him a long look when he first saw him that day and gave his leg a pat as he walked past. During a break in the training, Taako was taking a rest against the wall. Magnus came and sat down next to him. With a tilt of his head and a slight raising of his arm, he invited Taako to lean against him without making it too obvious.

Taako rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically, as if to say  _ oh, fine, if you insist _ . He put his head down on Magnus's shoulder and let the human pull him into a sideways hug. He would have jumped into a river before saying it, but it was nice. Really nice. The kind of nice that made him hope that this wouldn’t be the last time he got to experience it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey i love magnus? so much? see you tomorrow! <3 ~Martin


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> magnus can have little an emotional support from his friends, as a treat

The Temporal Chalice thing had really freaked all three of them out. Taako could hardly close his eyes without seeing the mine collapse around him and feeling the pain of being crushed beneath rocks and rubble before the time loop spat them back into the dust, ready to do it all over again. He walked around in a bit of a daze, trying to come to terms with the fact that he  _ hadn’t _ killed forty people. It  _ hadn’t _ been his fault, and it  _ didn't _ have anything to do with his transmutation magic or his cooking. A few times every day, he would forget and then remember all over again. He found the courage to step back into the kitchen and make more than just macarons--though he still didn’t let anyone else eat any of it. That would take more time.

Merle wasn’t doing quite as badly. He had the whole “live and move forward” thing down so well that he didn’t seem as shaken. But he still stared off into the distance occasionally and had at one point admitted to Taako that he also was a bit preoccupied by the  _ dying several times in a row, painfully and predictably _ bit.

And then there was Magnus. Taako could swear that the human hadn’t slept more than a few hours in a row since they had returned a week ago. There was something behind his eyes. It was partially panic, partially sadness, and partially an expression that Taako couldn’t identify, but he was sure it meant that Magnus was hiding something. He didn’t ask what it was. If Magnus wanted to tell him, he would.

Still, after the fourth night in a row that Taako had lain awake listening to his friend muffle quiet sobs into his pillow, he decided that he’d had enough. He poked his head over the side of the bunk to peer down at him. “Psst,” he whispered. “Magnus.”

“Shit.” It was so quiet that Taako was unsure if Magnus had actually said it.

“Magnus, look at me.”

Slowly, Magnus sat up. He looked up at Taako. There were dark half-circles under his tear-stained eyes. “What.”

“I know you’re upset about something,” Taako replied.

“I-- _ can’t _ talk to you about it, please...”

“Not asking you to.” Taako climbed down and sat cross-legged at the end of Magnus’s bunk. “Seriously. Whatever feelings mess you’re in right now, I want zero part of it. That’s your business, I’m deffo not going to press you about it.”

Magnus stared at him. “If you aren’t going to try and figure out what’s wrong, why are you even…?”

Taako sighed. “Well for  _ one _ thing, I’ve been having a little trouble getting any winks with you sniffling away down here.”

“Oh, shit. I’m sorry, Taako, I was really trying to be qui--”

“Shut up,” Taako advised. “I wasn’t done. For  _ another _ thing, I figure if we’re supposed to be friends or whatever, that’s gotta go both ways. Right?”

“I...I guess, but--”

“And I’m  _ terrible _ at this, so I’m pretty sure I’ll end up making it worse, but here it goes. I’m not gonna ask you to talk. Clearly that can’t help, ‘cause you can’t talk about whatever is bugging you. But then I figured, it’s you.” Taako held out his arms. “I can’t make the problem go away, whatever it is, but you seem to think that everything can be fixed with a hug anyway.”

“Wait, you’re offering me a hug?” Magnus checked. “Like, for real?”

“No, I created an elaborate illusion double of myself to come down here and let you try to hug and then fall right through because I thought it would be hilarious,” Taako said sarcastically. “Yeah, of  _ course _ for real, dumbass. Do you want a hug or not?”

Magnus opened his mouth like he was going to answer, but all that came out was a choked sob. He nodded.

“Well, c’mere then.” Taako bit back an  _ oof _ as Magnus fell into his arms. He wrapped them reflexively around the human and squeezed him tightly. “Better?”

“Uh-huh.” Magnus was sobbing freely now. He was curling up and trying to make himself smaller so that he would fit more easily in Taako’s arms. It wasn’t working very well.

“Easy, big guy. I gotcha.” Taako found it surprisingly easy to find a comfortable way to hold his friend and pat his back as he cried. “I've gotcha. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay, Taako, I-I don’t know what to do!”

“Me, neither,” Taako said honestly. “And I can’t help if you don’t tell me, but I don’t think you’re gonna do that, huh?”

He shook his head.

“Then all I can do is give ya a hug and try to make you get some sleep. You look so tired, Maggi.”

“I am, I’m just so tired, and I can’t sleep!” Magnus said, distraught. “I just can’t stop  _ thinking _ \--”

“Shhh, shush, hey! You don’t have to stop thinking to go to sleep, ‘kay? You just gotta let yourself shut down one bit at a time, and you’ll be asleep before you know it.” Taako ran his fingers through Magnus’s hair. “It’s what I do. Figure out what part to shut down first, and focus on it. Then let it go and focus on everything other than that part. Do that until you’ve run out of parts to focus on.” He was babbling, mostly, and he was sure that he wasn’t making complete sense. But that didn’t matter. He knew that giving Magnus some systematic task to keep his mind occupied would at least pull him away from whatever had him so upset for long enough to fall asleep.

Sure enough, Magnus stopped crying. He slowly relaxed in Taako’s embrace until he was limp and his breathing was steady. “How...did you do that?” he murmured.

“I didn’t do shit, Maggi. You did that. Keep doing it. You’ve got this.” Taako rubbed his back until he knew that Magnus was actually asleep. He tried to lay his friend down onto his pillow but despite being fast asleep, Magnus was clinging to him in a way that was making it difficult to pry him loose. “Oh, fine,” he muttered. “I’ll be your damn teddy bear if it’ll make you happy.” So he sank down onto the bed with Magnus still wrapped around him and closed his eyes, hoping to get some sleep as well.

Then Merle’s voice whispered out into the room. “Did ya actually get him to fall asleep?”

“Yeah. Were you awake that whole time?” Taako asked. He couldn’t help but feel a little irritated. Why hadn’t Merle been the one to try and help Magnus? He was significantly better at the comforting shtick than Taako was.

“Nah, woke up around when you were saying something about illusion magic. Nice job, kid.” Merle was quiet for a moment. “I’ve tried to get him to tell me what’s going on for days--or at least let me give him something to help him sleep. But he brushed me off over and over. You got him to calm right down, though.”

"It's Magnus, he thinks a hug can make anything better," Taako laughed. "I didn't do much."

"You did enough," Merle told him seriously. "G'night, Taako."

"Night, old man."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all we are Fast Approaching the Next Times (by which i mean, y'know, this is post-Eleventh Hour which means there's only so much time between now and the finale lmao). look forward to next chapter, in which Taako goes On A Date! <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> taakitz date, taakitz date, taakitz date!!!!!

The fact that Taako had worked up the courage to touch Kravitz's hand at the Chug'n'Squeeze was making him more proud of himself than it really warranted. He liked Kravitz. Like, a _lot_. It was a little weird how much he liked Kravitz. A year ago, he was sure he wouldn't have been able to acknowledge or act on that liking, but he had changed a lot in that year.

He and Kravitz had gone on a couple more dates now, just casual ones, outdoors in a few cities planet-side. Then he had mentioned as a joke that he had an unlimited pasta pass for a Fantasy Olive Garden and hadn't gotten a chance to use it. Kravitz had responded by saying that he knew of a good location in Whitshore, and did Taako want to go try it out with him?

"Absolutely," Taako had said.

So now here he was. Standing outside a Fantasy Olive Garden in Whitshore, waiting for his undead date to arrive. He was more nervous than he would want to admit. It wasn't like this was a fancy restaurant, exactly, and unlimited pasta wasn't the conventional definition of romantic, but it was an indoor, sit-down restaurant. And unlike their first date, Taako wouldn't be surrounded by coworkers, and there wouldn't be the pretense that they were meeting for "business purposes". This was a kind of intimacy he hadn't had in a _while_ , if ever.

Yeah, honestly, it kind of terrified him. Unlike other people he had gone on dates with in the past decade or so (he didn’t have anyone clamoring to date him before he became famous, so as far back as he could remember before then, he just...hadn’t), he couldn’t just ghost Kravitz (no pun intended). Kravitz was a powerful entity with the capability of teleporting, and he knew where Taako was living and working. If Taako stopped talking to him, he would want to know why, and he would be able to find Taako easily to ask him.

Also, he didn’t actually _want_ to ghost Kravitz. He wanted to see him again, and again, and again, and he wanted to stay up late talking to him about everything. He just hoped that Kravitz would want the same thing, even after he figured out exactly how fucked up Taako was. Well, Magnus and Merle had stayed, so maybe Taako could hold out hope for now.

Wearing a simple white short-sleeve button down shirt and dark red slacks, Kravitz had _no right_ to look that gorgeous as he caught Taako’s eye across the street and smiled. He crossed the street quickly. “Sorry I’m a few minutes late,” he said. “I actually haven’t been in Whitshore in a while, they’ve done some renovations and I…”

“Did you get lost?” Taako said with a grin. Now that Kravitz was actually here, most of his nervousness was gone.

“Yeah,” admitted Kravitz.

“No problem, handsome, the night is long.” Taako reached into his pocket and pulled out his unlimited pasta pass. “And we have pasta to eat.”

An hour and a half and more breadsticks and pasta than he and Kravitz should have physically been able to eat later, Taako was sipping his wine and waiting for Kravitz to break the lull in conversation that had fallen over them.

“Hey, Taako?” Kravitz said eventually.

“Yeah?”

“A little while ago, you mentioned your aunt who taught you how to cook. Mind if I ask how old you were then?”

“Like...younger than twenty for most of it,” Taako said. He frowned as he tried to remember exactly. “I think we were with her for ten years or so before she died.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Kravitz paused. “Who’s _we_?”

“Huh?”

“You said, ‘ _we_ were with her’.”

“Did I?”

“I think so.”

Taako shrugged. “Weird slip of the tongue, I guess. But yeah, it was a long, long time ago.”

Kravitz accepted that. “How old are you now, then?”

“Ha! That should be a pretty easy question, right? Well, believe me when I tell you that I have no fuckin’ idea. Somewhere over a hundred and fifty but probably under three hundred. I haven’t really kept very good track of it,” Taako answered. “Does that bother you?”

“Not at all. I think I’m technically somewhere around five hundred years old, if you count a lot of time I spent dead in the astral plane before the Raven Queen picked me to be a Reaper,” said Kravitz. “Mind if I ask another personal question?”

“Shoot.”

“When’s your birthday?”

Taako stared at him. “Huh?” he asked again.

“When’s your birthday?” Kravitz repeated. “Do you know? Or do you maybe have just a day you’ve picked even if you can’t remember the actual date?”

“I…” _Wait, why don’t I know that? I should know that._ Everything inside his mind was suddenly empty. His hands gripped the edge of the table until his knuckles went white as he searched for that memory, or even the memory of _ever_ celebrating a birthday. His aunt must have known, right? He must have celebrated then? But no. Everything was coming up blank. Just like it had when he had tried to remember celebrating Candlenights when Merle had asked about it. _Fuck, what is wrong with me? This can’t be normal, right?_

“Taako? Are you alright? Taako!”

He looked up sharply. To his horror, he could feel tears pricking at the corner of his eyes.

Kravitz’s eyes were wide. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to...I had no idea asking that would...are you alright? I’m sorry.”

“Um, yeah, pumpkin, I’m awesome. No need to apologize.” Taako tried to laugh, quickly blinking away his tears. Then Kravitz’s hand was on his upper arm. Taako went very still.

“Are you sure? You looked really upset for a minute there.”

“You’re real sweet, y’know that?” Casually, Taako picked up his wine glass and leaned back in his seat so that Kravitz couldn’t reach him anymore. He had gotten much more chill with Magnus and Merle touching him, but Kravitz was still basically a stranger.

Kravitz kept his arm stretched across the table for a moment, then pulled back when it was clear that Taako was doing it on purpose. “Thanks? I just don’t want to hurt you.”

“Exactly. You’re sweet.”

“Is...is that sweet? I’m not...like, that should be the standard, right? Not wanting to hurt you should be the standard.” Kravitz sounded very confused.

“That’s not standard anything, in my experience,” Taako chuckled. “If the whole world isn’t out to get you, how do you know you’re alive?”

“Well. I’m not alive.”

“Oof, wrong choice of words on my part. That was my bad. That’s on me.”

Tilting his head, Kravitz leaned forward a little bit. “It’s fine. But I’m sorry that’s been your experience.”

“Hm, you _did_ try to kill me like, five months ago, my dude. Not everyone who does that turns out to actually be handsome reapers who would rather sit and chat than keep trying to kill me. As you know, ‘cause apparently I died nine times even _before_ the Refuge nonsense. Did you ever figure out what the fuck that was about, anyway?” asked Taako. “‘Cause I still have no memory of any of that.”

Kravitz narrowed his eyes. “I haven’t. Seems like you don’t have memories of a lot of things, though, Taako. Does that ever worry you?”

Taako felt his heart rise to his throat. “Nope. Taako’s good.” He stood up, tossing some coins onto the table as a tip for the waitstaff. “Well, g’night, Kravitz.” Before Kravitz could say anything else, Taako turned and walked out of the restaurant. He could feel his chest rising and falling too quickly, his breath catching. The night air was warm--it was only a couple weeks until midsummer--but he was shivering like he was cold. He put his head down and walked faster down the street, intending to find somewhere secluded where he could send for a sphere to come down and fetch him back to the moon base.

“Taako! Taako, wait!”

He really didn’t want to stop or turn around. Maybe if he ignored Kravitz, just like he ignored all of the other things worrying him, everything would be okay.

“Taako, please wait!” Kravitz caught up to him, but he didn’t stop walking. “Taako?”

“Listen, cha’boy is tired. I already said goodnight, didn’t I?”

“Let me take you home, then? And you didn’t wait for me to say goodnight back,” stated Kravitz.

Finally, Taako stopped. He turned to face Kravitz. The light of the two moons--one real, one fake--was reflected in Kravitz’s eyes. “I’m not some mystery for you to solve,” he said.

“What?”

“If you’re…” Taako tried to take a deep breath and nearly choked on it. “If you’re here, if you’re only talking to me because you want to... _figure me out_ , or whatever, then just stop. Just leave me alone. I’m not a puzzle that needs to be put together. And if I was, I’d be the worst puzzle in existence, ‘cause half the pieces are missing.”

“I don’t…”

“You take me as I am, missing pieces and...and blank memories and all, or you get nothing. And you’re gonna tell me now which it’s gonna be, ‘cause Taako is good without this whole situation going on any longer than it already has.” Taako’s voice was shaking, but he looked Kravitz directly in the eye as he spoke.

Kravitz put out his hand, palm up, halfway between the two of them. “I’m not trying to _solve_ you, Taako,” he promised. “I’ll take you exactly as you are, however much of you that you want to share with me. Okay? I’m...I’m _really_ sorry if I implied anything else. I just like being with you. I promise not to ask any more prying questions.”

Taako bit his lip. “Yeah?”

“ _Yes_.” Insistently, Kravitz put his hand a little bit closer to Taako.

“Oh. Okay. If that’s...yeah, okay. Sorry for flipping out like that, then.” Taako looked down at Kravitz’s hand. “What’s that for?”

“Um...holding? In this instance? If you’d like?”

“Huh.” Taako took his hand. It wasn’t as cold as it had been last time--he must have been putting in a concerted effort to be warmer. “Not really used to that, I guess.”

Looking relieved, Kravitz squeezed his hand. “Do you still want to go home? I can take you home if you want.”

“Maybe we can walk around for a little while first,” Taako suggested. “I’m not as ready for the night to end as I thought I was.”

“There’s a beautiful park a few blocks away. I saw it when I was...well, wandering around trying to find the restaurant earlier.”

“Sounds great.” Taako didn’t pull his hand away, but he kept himself far enough away from Kravitz that their shoulders didn’t touch. Holding hands was plenty for one evening. Kravitz seemed to understand, and respected that.

Kravitz was right, the park _was_ beautiful. It was up at the top of a small hill, and if Taako squinted, he could see the ocean in the distance, the sparkling white sand a glowing strip in the starlight. They only talked a little while they walked down the paths lined with flowering bushes which smelled faintly like lemon and mint, mostly content to be in silence with each other.

It was after midnight when Taako decided that he should probably get back to the moon base. Any later, and he might have to answer awkward questions from his roommates. He was decidedly not ready to tell them about this particular part of his life yet. “Hey, does your offer of a ride home still stand?” he asked Kravitz.

“Of course.”

“Much as I hate to cut this short, the Director has us training like crazy from like six in the morning, so I should get back now if I even want to get a full trance in, let alone any sleep. Can you drop me off behind the dorm dome? Don’t wanna wake my roommates by ripping a portal in the fabric of the planar system in their bedroom,” said Taako.

Kravitz’s scythe appeared in his hand. “You got it.” He opened up a doorway for them and kept a tight hold on Taako’s hand as they stepped through the darkness. They were standing on the grass behind the dome now. “I had a lovely evening,” Kravitz said.

Taako smiled. “Yeah, me too.”

“Let’s do it again soon, alright?”

“Soon as I can get away again. Honestly, though, it might be a couple weeks--this training stuff is getting intense. I don’t know what’s got the Director all nervous, but she barely let me have the evening off tonight. I’ll call you?”

“Please do,” Kravitz replied. He pulled Taako’s hand up so that their clasped hands were level with their chests. “Taako? Would it be alright if I kissed you goodnight?”

Taako’s heart skipped a beat. _Would_ it be alright? He honestly didn’t know. He had barely been able to hold Kravitz’s hand.

Seeing his hesitation, Kravitz amended, “It’s alright if you say no.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna…” Taako said slowly. “Y’know, that stuff is weird for me. I’m workin’ on it, but…”

“Rain check?” Kravitz said, and the little smile on his face reassured Taako that he wasn’t hurt by the refusal.

“Rain check,” he agreed. Then, before he could talk himself out of it, he tilted his head up and brushed a very quick kiss against Kravitz’s cheek. “Goodnight, Kravitz.”

Kravitz looked a bit stunned. Then his expression broke into an affectionate grin. “Goodnight, Taako.”

Hiding the color that had risen to his face, Taako let go of his hand and fled into the dome. Magnus and Merle were both asleep. He climbed up to his bunk, set the umbrastaff down next to him, flopped onto his back, and stared up at the ceiling with what was definitely an extremely dopey smile, feeling too much like a kid with their first crush to even think about falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I Love Them? Local Gay Elf And Gay Reaper Go On A Date And Nearly Make Local Nerd Cry?
> 
> hope y'all are doing well! ...i might have to get a tube stuck into my eye tomorrow bc i may have a clogged tear duct so That's Super Fun, any kind messages and/or comments on the fic would be Appreciated since i'm mildly (read: not mildly) panicked abt This Whole Situation. anyway love u, stay safe, be gay do crime (but like, in an eat the rich way). fck im tired <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is short, but i think it's very important. hope you enjoy! <3

Staying the night in a campsite they had made nearly two years ago felt like a cruel joke. The last time they had been here, Merle had still been two-handed and two-eyed and hadn't needed to sit right next to the fire, because the darkness hadn't been as threatening when he could still see through it. Magnus hadn't been inside a  _ fucking mannequin _ . They weren't being haunted by an undead dude in a red robe whose voice sounded so terrifyingly familiar but Taako couldn't place it, who drifted a short distance away from the three of them, occasionally coming closer like it was a habit to be near them before remembering something and moving away again.

Taako hadn't been in so much pain that he wished he was unconscious. He hadn't had his appearance altered without his consent ( _ but I did agree to it, that's the worst part, everything that happened to us, we agreed to _ ). He hadn't felt like the world was falling out from underneath him. He hadn't cared so much about the people he was with that it ached when he saw them suffer. Had he been more or less miserable back then? He couldn't remember.

The further they had gotten from Wonderland, the more each step hurt. Mannequin-Magnus had wrapped his weird wooden arm around him to give him something to lean on, which both creeped Taako out and made him want to cry. And he could see that piece of machinery which had fallen onto him, crushing and pinning down his lower body, every time he closed his eyes. He could hear the sound it made and his own scream echoing in his mind now as he laid on the ground on his bed roll and tried to find the relief that sleep might bring.

It didn't come. In desperation, he tried to meditate. He couldn't get his mind quiet enough to do that, either. He sat up with a whimper and dragged himself closer to the fire. Merle was still awake, staring into the fire with the one eye he had left. Mannequin-Magnus was curled up on the ground and mumbling to himself. Taako recognized the sound as him dreaming. At least one of them was getting some sleep, though how a mannequin could sleep, he had no idea.

Merle glanced at him as he approached. "Taako? You really should try to sleep."

"What do you think I've been doing?" Taako retorted. He sat next to Merle. The warmth of the fire almost made the pain duller. "Anyway, you should be sleeping too."

"Yeah, well." Merle shrugged helplessly.

"I get it." With a bit of hesitation, Taako put his head down on Merle's shoulder.

Slowly, Merle's arm (the dwarf one, not the wooden one) wrapped around his waist. "I'm sorry I can't seem to heal you all the way," he said. "It...I can tell it's bad."

"Not your fault Pan isn't answering. 'sides, I think I'm, uh...well, I think I'm healed as much as it's gonna get now. Remember, they took some of my...whatever the fuck they called it, vitality or that shit. I don't ever get to be as healthy as I was before." Taako shivered.

"Shit, Taako."

"Hey, don't worry about me. At least I've still got all my limbs, even if they're not working so well. It's you and Maggi I'm worried about."

"Oh, I don't care about the arm or the eye or any of that. The only thing getting to me is that Pan seems to just be...gone. I thought it was just something in Wonderland breaking the connection, but he's just gone," Merle said. "And Magnus…"

"He  _ died _ , Merle," Taako said slowly. "He died, and the only reason he's still here is 'cause we somehow pulled him away from the astral plane long enough for him to climb inside a wooden doll thing. We almost lost him for good."

"I bet that Kravitz guy is gonna have something to say about all this," Merle said with a forced chuckle.

Taako tensed. "Merle. Did you see him?"

"Huh?"

"In the astral plane. He was there…it was all wrong, flooded with...with oil, and he was drowning in it." Suddenly, now that Taako had time to think about it, he was terrified for Kravitz.

"Well, shit. I mean, it's hard to find sympathy for the guy since he did try very hard to kill me, but...oof."

Now was not the time to inform Merle that Taako had been on several dates with said guy who had tried to kill him. Gods, it would be just Taako's shitty, shitty luck if the one person he had liked in that way in a very long time had been killed. Could Kravitz be killed? He was already technically dead, so maybe not. Either way, he was definitely not having a great time right now. Taako felt more than a little guilty that he'd had his hands full with Magnus and couldn't save Kravitz as well.

"Yeah...oof," was all Taako said.

With a sigh, Merle patted Taako's back. "We'll be alright. Whatever's going on, whatever…" He gestured towards the red robe, who was floating further away than he had been but was glancing over his ghostly shoulder every few moments. "Whatever that guy has planned. We'll get through it, y'know."

"Even without Pan?"

"Faith doesn't always need an answering god, Taako. I have faith in us, too. Why don't you try to get some rest? I can keep watch."

The red robe came a little closer. "Don't worry about keeping watch. I don't sleep, I'll make sure you're safe," he said. A little bit of the robe fluttered out towards Taako, who flinched. He withdrew. "I promise."

"...yeah, okay," Merle agreed. "We said we'd trust ya, didn't we? Sure, you keep watch."

Taako wasn't entirely sure that he was happy about that situation, but he turned and reached for his bed roll to pull it closer to the fire. He couldn't find a way to lay down that didn't hurt so badly that tears sprang to his eyes.

"Taako?" Merle whispered. He flopped down on the ground next to him as Taako sniffed and wiped his eyes. "Is it that bad?"

"It's...yeah."

"I can try again to--"

"Don't bother."

"Is there anything I  _ can _ do?" Merle asked.

Taako almost shook his head, but he found himself saying, "Don't go too far, okay? Like. Stay with me?"

Merle made a soft sound and touched Taako's hair. "You got it, bud."

It should have been weird, being that vulnerable. But for some reason, Taako felt neither uncomfortable nor embarrassed as Merle braided a small lock of hair that had fallen out of the larger braid which was now loose and messy. He couldn't quite get comfortable enough to fall asleep, but he could manage a bit of trancing even after Merle was asleep and snoring next to him.

It was the last ounce of almost-normalcy before Taako's entire world changed. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things are gonna be...a little different next time, as you can probably guess! take care of yourselves, i love u <3 ~Martin


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took so long, i had a super busy week (finals and such) and forgot about posting this! hope it was worth the wait!
> 
> Oh, disclaimer on this chapter: Despite everything Taako thinks this chapter, I want it to be known that I love Lucretia dearly, and though I think she made some huge mistakes and hurt people, she was doing what she genuinely thought would cause the least pain. But also, I think that Taako has every right to feel this way. With that out of the way, enjoy the chapter! <3

Taako knew a few things about himself. He knew that he preferred to stay out of the line of fire, that he expected his sister to do the same so they would always have each other to come home to. He knew that the world was cruel, and that he and Lup couldn't afford to trust anyone but each other. Something else that he knew was that they had started to trust other people, and that had gotten them hurt.

He knew that he loved his family, and he knew that they had been torn away from him for  _ twelve years _ , leaving him a shell of himself who couldn't remember what it was like to be loved, whose memories of curling up next to his sister as very young children on Candlenights and laughing, of holding her hand as they ran from whoever was attacking them, of studying night after night and working themselves to the bone to pay for attendance at the IPRE Academy, of meeting and befriending and eventually starting to love the other team members, were all gone. He had nothing. He  _ was  _ nothing. For ten years, he had been  _ nothing _ .

When he had found Magnus and Merle (and for a short time, Barry), he had started to be something again. With Kravitz, it had been similar. He wasn't as blank, as numb. Sometimes he had begun to feel something more than the nothingness that permeated his entire existence when he was with Davenport or Lucretia, too.

_ Lucretia. _ A bitter taste rose up in the back of Taako's throat. He remembered sitting with her on the lawn that night on the moon base, telling her how he felt like half of himself was missing--he had  _ trusted her _ enough to tell her that, and she had  _ known _ , she had fucking known the whole time why he felt that way, and she had done nothing. He had burst into her office crying about how scared he was of losing his friends, and she just  _ sat there _ , and she was the one who had taken them away and instilled that unconscious fear in the first place! She had offered him  _ tea _ and tried to  _ comfort him _ . What fucking right did she have? How  _ dare she _ ?

He didn't do anything to her, as much as he might have wanted to. Lup had missed her, after all. Lup didn't hate her, though she understood why Taako did. And that day after everything came to light and the Hunger was defeated, Taako let Lup out of his sight for the first time so she could go and catch up with Lucretia and Magnus. Davenport was with Merle, who had gone to Goldcliff to make sure his kids ( _ and holy shit, Merle had kids?!) _ were alright.

Merle and Magnus...how had they put up with him over those past two years? Did they, too, feel like something missing had been returned when they were with him? Or were they just generally such good people that even a standoffish, prickly, sarcastic elf seemed like someone they wanted to befriend? Taako supposed he would have to ask them, but the thought of talking about those two years where he had been so close but  _ so fucking far _ from his family seemed too painful to consider just yet.

Fuck, he really owed so much to them, didn't he? He was so far gone, so lost, so changed. If he hadn't had them for those last years, he couldn't imagine how much worse it would have been to get those memories back, to have to understand how much had been taken from him. Magnus's expression from half a year ago when he had realized that Taako had never known (or couldn't  _ remember _ knowing) affection or a friendly touch surfaced in Taako's memory.  _ Holy shit, that was so fucked up.  _ I  _ was so fucked up. Lucretia literally took every good thing away from me and expected me to be happier since I didn't know what I was missing. _

Taako just couldn't wrap his head around it entirely. He leaned his forehead against the window of the inn room that he had stayed in that night with Lup and Barry. Barry was still asleep on the bed behind him. They had woken him up for about two minutes when Lup told him she was going to be with Magnus and Lucretia, so Barry wouldn't be worried when he woke up and saw that she was gone. He acknowledged it, told her he loved her, and went right back to sleep.

Barry also seemed a little fucked up, now that Taako was thinking about it. He might have had his memories for a lot of the twelve years, but he was still all alone most of the time. And now he was sleeping so soundly and for so long that Taako actually started to get a little worried. Barry had rarely slept this late back on the Starblaster. Maybe being in a new body ( _ weird _ ) had something to do with it.

As if he could hear Taako thinking about him, Barry stirred. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. His gaze fell on Taako and he froze for a second. Then he relaxed, like he was remembering what was going on, and reached for his glasses. "Hey, Taako," he said sleepily.

"Took you long enough to wake up. It's almost eleven, my dude, that's unprecedented for you," Taako replied.

Barry laughed. "This is a brand new body and we saved the world yesterday. I think I deserved to sleep in for once. Lup isn't back yet?"

"She might be a while," said Taako. "There's a lot for her to catch up on, and we got her all last night."

"Yeah." Barry gazed longingly at the door. "Gods, I missed her."

That brought an unwanted lump to Taako's throat. He hadn't even known to miss her. That was the worst part. Half of himself had been ripped away and he couldn't even see the wound; he just knew that something hurt. "Well, we have her back now," was all Taako could manage to say.

"We sure do. I missed  _ all _ of you. I…" Barry shook his head. "But how are you doing? Memories coming back okay? Not feeling like your brain might short-circuit and explode?"

"Only emotionally, not physically. Yeah, I'm...handling it." Taako sighed. "As much as anyone  _ can _ handle something like this. It's super fucked up, Barry, you know?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I know."

Taako believed him. Of all of them, he thought Barry might understand the best. "Is  _ your _ brain doing okay?"

"This isn't my first trip down memory lane," Barry said dryly. "I'm good."

"When you died in Phandolin…" Taako began. "Shit, is it okay to talk about this stuff or is it too soon?"

"I think the sooner we talk about it, the better, honestly."

"Yeah. Did you take that job to find us? Like, were there instructions on that coin of yours about us? Or were you just looking for the gauntlet, and we happened to be there too?" Taako asked.

"I didn't know you'd be there," Barry replied. "No, I had no idea. I was just looking for Lup. I didn't know to put any instructions about you three on the coin, I didn't expect you to be there. When I died, when I remembered who you were, I was so--" His voice broke. "Shit. Sorry, hold on."

Taako got up (and  _ ouch _ , everything still hurt from getting beaten within an inch of his life in Wonderland) and went over to him quickly. He sat down on the bed next to Barry (his friend, his family, his brother in law and in spirit) and put his hand on his shoulder.

Barry sniffled. He leaned against Taako's hand in acknowledgement of the touch.

"We don't  _ have _ to talk about it," Taako reminded him gently.

"I know, but I think I want to."

"Take your time, then. Don't force anything."

"Thanks." Barry took a moment, closing his eyes to breathe. "I almost lost it, when I remembered everything that time. It was so, so hard to keep anchored then. I was so close, and I had no idea. I lost you again. And by the time I could put myself back together, Lucretia had you."

Taako's stomach clenched. Instead of responding to that, he changed the subject slightly and said, "Hey, Barry? What the  _ fuck _ was the whole 'are you afraid' bit in Captain Bane's office? Like. What? What even was that?"

Even though he still had a few tears in his eyes, Barry burst out laughing. "Oh, man. I don't know, I guess I wanted to know what Lucretia had told you about me, and I got a little carried away? In hindsight, I may not have gone about the whole 'getting you to trust me over Luce' thing as well as I could have."

"Yeah, no shit!" Taako said, also laughing. "You were freaky as hell with that weird voice, did you practice that?"

"Yeah!"

"You sounded ridiculous!"

"I couldn't let you recognize me!" Barry defended. "That would have taken way too much explaining. 'Oh, yeah, the dumb jerk bodyguard Gundren hired is actually a fuckin', uh, lich, and is also one of the people my new boss has warned me about', that would have gone over so well, Taako."

"Freakin' genius," Taako said, shaking his head. "You have a knack for drama I never knew about. What else were you hiding from us all those years?"

Barry gave him a smile and no answer.

"Of course. Maybe I don't wanna know." Taako took a closer look at Barry's face than he had since his memories had returned. Because of the whole body-regrowing thing and how long he spent in his lich form, Barry hadn't physically aged all twelve years since Taako had last seen him and known who he was. Maybe five or six. There were some new lines on his face. Most strikingly, the look in his eyes was one of a deep, long loneliness and a guardedness that had never been there before. Barry had never been extremely open with his emotions like Magnus was, but Taako could usually figure out what he was feeling. All he was getting now was exhaustion and a struggle to believe that years of pain and isolation had ended.

"Taako?"

Realizing that he had been staring at Barry just long enough to make it weird, Taako glanced away and tried to laugh. "Just feels strange to be seeing you again. I mean, I saw Magnus and Merle and Dav and, um, Lucretia pretty much every day for the past two years. I basically saw Lup every time I looked in the mirror--" His insides twisted painfully as he remembered that he looked so different now. It hit him like a punch in the stomach. He didn't even have the glamour up, Barry could  _ see _ \--

"Hey, breathe. I was there, remember?" Barry said, very gently. "I know. It's okay. You don't have to keep it on for me."

The fact that Barry knew him well enough to understand why he had broken off made Taako feel slightly better. "Yeah,  _ that  _ was fucked up, too, but I'm gonna keep that for another time," he said quickly. It was far too raw to talk about yet. Maybe with Lup, if she had been there, but even Barry was going to have to wait.

"Got it." Barry bumped his shoulder against Taako's. "Anything you  _ do _ wanna talk about?"

Taako stared down at his hands. "I don't know," he mumbled. "Probably, but where to even fuckin' start?"

"At the beginning, usually."

He dug his nails into his palms. "Okay. Barry? I  _ killed _ you."

Barry made a soft sound in the back of his throat.

"I literally...blasted you in the chest and killed you. I didn't know who you were, you were a stranger begging me to kill you and I just  _ did it _ with some freakish Magic Missile I didn't even know I could cast at the time because I couldn't remember  _ anything _ , and you fell, and I  _ killed you _ ." Without realizing, Taako had begun hyperventilating. "Oh, gods, Barry, I  _ killed you _ !"

"No, no, shhh, Taako, it's okay. Okay, no, take a deep breath." Barry put his hand bracingly on Taako's back. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, I know, I should never have asked you to do that. I panicked. I'm so sorry."

Shaking, Taako covered his face with his hands. It was a horrible memory. He could see Barry falling backwards over the edge of the deck, a hole through his chest, something like a smile on his face. Only the sound of Barry's very alive voice next to him and the feeling of his hand was keeping him grounded. "It's okay, I'll be okay," he mumbled. "It's all just so fucked up."

"Yeah. Yeah, it is. I get it, believe me."

“Like. I literally killed you.”

Barry patted his shoulder. “Yeah.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.”

Taako exhaled slowly and looked back up at Barry. “Don’t ever ask me to do that again, okay?”

“I won’t, I promise.”

“Thanks.” Now, along with the loneliness, Taako could see guilt in Barry's eyes. "Shit, Barry, it really sucked, huh? I mean, it sucked for me and I didn't even know why. You had to watch while we went around playing Lucretia's puppets and you had to talk to us and we didn't recognize you. We thought you were evil. That  _ sucks _ ."

Like Taako's words were hitting too close to home, Barry looked away.

"I bet it was really hard," Taako said. "And lonely."

Barry kind of shuddered, still not looking at him.

Taako wanted to tell him everything, about the cooking show and Sazed and the horrible guilt he felt about Glamour Springs, about his own loneliness and how he couldn't figure out how he could be lonely if he didn't know any alternative, about all the memories altered that left him with a history devoid of love, and about how Magnus and Merle had done their best to fix that gaping wound without being able to see it properly. But he held those stories back for another time, because he saw Barry's shoulders shake and he knew that it was his turn to be the one who didn't fall apart for a little while. "Yeah, I get it," he said instead. "It's gonna be okay now, eventually. Someday it's not gonna feel like this anymore.

Again, Barry's shoulders shook. "I'm scared it's never going to be okay," he admitted. It sounded like it took a lot of courage to say it, and he was definitely crying. "I feel like part of me is always going to be stuck there alone."

"It will get better," Taako insisted. Without any contemplation or pause, he wrapped his arms around Barry in a firm hug.

Barry froze like he was surprised before turning and burying his face in Taako's shirt. He hugged back, his grip tight and desperate. He wasn't full-on sobbing into Taako's shoulder, but his breathing was ragged and his face was damp. "It will get better, won't it?" he said, trying to convince himself and sound hopeful.

"Absolutely. Isn't it already better?"

"Yeah. This is helping."

Taako held him a little tighter. "Figured it might. How about we stop talking about stuff so we don't _ both _ start crying?"

"Ha, yeah. Maybe a good idea for now." Barry's fingers were digging into Taako's back, holding onto him frantically. Taako was pretty sure that his assessment of Barry's loneliness was accurate.

"Barry. I'm not going anywhere," he said quietly.

Slowly, Barry's grip relaxed.

"That's better." Taako didn't say anything else, just kept hugging him and letting himself be hugged. It seemed to be helping Barry, after all, and Taako could almost admit to himself that it was making him feel a little better too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen. I love Barry Bluejeans. And I love Taako. And I love Lucretia. And I love all of these characters honestly, all of my fic is a love letter to them, even if 90% of it is me making them cry. There Will be Lup next chapter! Stay safe. <3 ~Martin


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, y'all! Here's another chapter! Enjoy some Lup!
> 
> Warning for this chapter: Taako has a bit of a breakdown/panic attack/emotional flashback.

"Taako, you've been yawning for the past hour. Go to sleep," Lup scolded. Her lich form was pressed close to him on the couch. She felt like static electricity where her incorporeal shape touched his skin.

"Hell no, Lulu. I've only had you back for three days, and I've spent enough of that time  _ sleeping _ ." Taako's fingers were touching the stone of farspeech in his pocket. "Plus, I'm waiting for a call."

Lup grinned, a crackle of red lightning glowing behind her eyes. "From your Grim Reaper boyfriend?"

"He  _ said _ he'd call today. The astral plane was a mess after everything that happened," Taako said. "He's been too busy to call much yet."

"Well, I can't wait to meet him properly! Tell him to ditch work."

Taako tried to poke her, but his hand went right through her, the static traveling up his wrist and making him shudder. He yanked his hand back as she giggled. "Ugh, I  _ hate _ that. Anyway, don't be so eager, goofus, he's probably gonna have to drag your lich ass off to prison."

"No, he won't," Lup said confidently. "He's  _ way _ too smitten with you to arrest your sister. 'Sides, I'm sure his boss lady will make an exception. She's supposed to be pals with your...what do you call Istus? Is she your boss too?"

"I don't think so? I'm her emissary, but who knows what that even means. It's not like she asks me to do errands for her or whatever." Suddenly, the stone of farspeech in his pocket beeped, indicating that someone was trying to call him. "Oh, hang on--"

"You talk to your Reaper," Lup said. "I'll float off and haunt the kitchen for a while." She drifted off the couch and headed towards the kitchen in the small apartment they had rented until the end of the month while they looked for a more permanent place to live.

Taako answered the stone. "Savior of the multiverse speaking," he announced.

"Taako," sighed Kravitz. "Oh, it's nice to hear your voice after two days of angry ghosts shrieking at me while I try to clean a flood of oil out of an entire plane. How are you?"

"Much better now I'm talking to you, pumpkin," Taako said.

From the kitchen, Lup shouted, " _ Get _ it, bro!"

"Shut the fuck--" he sputtered. "Stop eavesdropping, Lup!"

"Can't help it, spooky magical lich ears are hard to turn off!"

Taako put his hand over the stone and yelled, "Make an effort!"

She was laughing, but she stopped interjecting.

"Sorry," Taako said, bringing the stone back up to his face. "My sister is annoying."

"It's alright," Kravitz said, and it was clear from his voice that he was smiling.

"So, when are you gonna have time to come see me?" Taako said. "I haven't seen your pretty face since we were all saving the world."

"As soon as we're sure that the astral plane won't collapse in on itself the moment I look away," Kravitz replied. "It's much closer than it was this morning. Sometime tomorrow, I'm almost positive."

"I'll keep my schedule clear," Taako joked, as if he was doing anything with his time except curling up on the couch with whichever of his family was there. "Can't wait, darlin'."

"Me, neither--oh, shit, that's not good…" A distant clanging noise could be heard on Kravitz's end. "Taako, I'll call you again tomorrow as soon as I know more, I've got a disaster to avert."

"Talk to you soon," Taako said. "You get 'em."

"I love you," Kravitz said. The clanging returned, and then the stone went silent.

"Love you too," whispered Taako, though Kravitz couldn't hear him. He put the stone in his pocket.

Lup crept back around the corner, saw that Taako was through with the call, and came back over to him. "Awww," she said.

Taako threw a pillow at her half-heartedly. It flew right through her and landed on the ground. "Didn't you do enough eavesdropping on us while you were an umbrella?" he said.

"I  _ tried _ not to. It was actually really hard to focus on what was happening outside the umbrastaff for more than a few seconds at a time," she replied, settling back down on the couch with him.

More seriously, he propped his head up on his hand and said, "You must have been listening sometimes, though. I could feel you responding. Even if I didn't know what it was."

The lights inside her form faded slightly. "Yeah. I heard...some. Enough to make me worried, usually. I can feel...y'know, strong emotions when I'm in this form."

“You would hum when I was lonely,” Taako said softly.

“You were lonely a lot,” she responded.

"Yeah, well." He shrugged, suddenly uncomfortable. "I lived a whole life all by myself, or at least I thought I did. Lonely was the standard."

“Shit, Koko.”

“Don’t, just...please don’t.”

Lup wasn’t able to cry in this form, but she made a soft whimpering sound and reached her spectral hand out to touch his face. He tried not to wince away from the slight electric buzz. “Sorry, I know it’s not...gods, I hate not being able to touch you,” she lamented. “Having to hear how much you were struggling when Magnus and Merle were trying to be your friends and you couldn’t handle them touching you? That sucked, Koko, it sucked so much. I  _ hate _ that I can’t hug you right now.”

“Lup, please.” Taako was trying, unsuccessfully, to force back tears. “Please, I can’t do this right now.”

But she didn’t stop talking. Now that she had started, she seemed barely able to hear him. “Because you couldn’t remember being loved, but I love you, I love you  _ so much _ , Taako, and I had to hear you say that you had never been loved and that love can only ever end in pain and I was  _ there _ and  _ I love you _ , I--” Her form was shaking now, her voice was breaking, she was heaving like she was sobbing, and Taako couldn’t even hold her, this wasn’t  _ fair _ \--

“Please stop, please, Lup, I can’t--” Now he was crying too. “I love you, too, but you can’t...I can’t handle it, I need…”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” The crackling feeling of her hands travelled down his arms and encircled his wrists. She was trying to hold his hands, and that only made him cry harder.

“Wh-why did we have to, why,” he sobbed. “Why did we have to get all sappy? Why couldn’t we have kept laughing?”

“Shh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please don’t cry, I’m so sorry…”

“I’m sick of being upset,” Taako wailed. “I just want everything to be  _ over _ , why can’t it be  _ over _ ? Why can’t we just undo the past fourteen fucking years?”

“I know, I know, but we can’t, we gotta keep going.”

Taako tried to retort, but all that came out was another sob. He grabbed the other pillow from the couch and buried his face in it, letting himself scream out his frustration and grief for lost time. The static electricity surrounded him as Lup wrapped him in some semblance of a hug. He tried to take as much comfort from that as he could. Lup was  _ here _ , she was with him, even if she didn’t have a body. Still, his own body continued to be wracked with sobs. It actually hurt, how hard he was crying, and that just made him more miserable.

Eventually, exhaustion forced him to stop shouting and sobbing into the pillow. Light-headed, he slumped over on the couch. His eyes were closed. He was still weeping quietly. At some point, Lup had conjured up a Mage Hand and was stroking his hair with it. It made him shiver--the touch was too light to feel real, but at least it was  _ something _ .

“I’m sorry,” he whispered finally, his voice hoarse.

“No, shhh, why would you be sorry?” she murmured.

“I didn’t m-mean to break down like that, I…”

A second Mage Hand had flown off into the kitchen and was bringing back a cup of water. “Don’t apologize, it’s okay,” Lup told him. “Here, just have a drink of this and then try to sleep, zeesaleh.”

The pet name (one their aunt had used for them, so many years ago, yet another memory that had been so intrinsically tied up with Lup that he had lost it), almost made him start crying again. He sipped the water and put his head back down. “Fuck, Lulu, I don’t know that I can do this.”

“Do what?”

He gestured vaguely. “I dunno, any of it. I don’t…I’m just not strong enough to handle it, Lu.”

“Shhh, don’t talk like that. Of course you are. We’re  _ all _ gonna be okay, it’s just gonna take...it’s gonna take time. Please get some sleep, Koko, you’re so tired. You’ll feel better in the morning once you’ve gotten some rest,” she pleaded.

Taako couldn’t imagine ever feeling better, to be honest. But he trusted Lup more than anyone else, even himself. “Stay close?” he requested.

“Always.”

He let the world go dim around him. An indeterminate amount of time later, in a state that was so near sleeping that he couldn’t have moved or spoken if he wanted to, he heard the door open.

“Hey, Lup, Magnus sends his love,” Barry murmured.

“Barr--”

“Oh, what’s wrong, baby?”

“Taako, he...he’s really not doing good, and I t-tried…”

“No, shhh, it’s okay. Talk to me. What’s wrong with Taako?”

“H-he was crying and...and he was so upset, and I couldn’t help him, it was really bad, but he finally got to sleep,” Lup said shakily.

There was a sigh, and suddenly a warm hand was resting on his back. “You want me to wake him and try to get him into bed? He doesn’t look comfortable all curled up like that.”

Taako managed to open his eyes just a little. Barry had knelt down next to the couch.

“Oh, hey, you’re awake. You wanna get in bed, Taako?”

Already, he was feeling stiff and sore in all the places he was still hurting from Wonderland. A bed would definitely be more comfortable, but despite Lup promising to stay with him, he worried that they would leave him alone if he agreed to be moved. “I don’t want to be by myself,” he said weakly.

Barry took a sharp breath in. "Wasn't planning on leaving you by yourself. Come on, come here, let's get you up." He helped Taako stand up.

But now he was awake again, and that meant that the tears were returning. He leaned against Barry wearily. "Why can't I stop crying?" he whispered.

"Probably because you're exhausted, bud, and you're still dealing with everything," Barry replied. "You just gotta let yourself cry."

"But you also have to let yourself rest," Lup insisted.

"Lup's right. Come on, time for bed." Gently, Barry nudged Taako along the hall and into bed, pulling the blankets over him.

"When is it going to stop feeling weird?" Taako asked, half asleep, as Lup settled down beside him and Barry sat on the edge of the bed, his hand on Taako's shoulder.

"When will what stop feeling weird?" asked Barry.

"...being cared for."

"Oh, man."

Taako's head hurt. He reached up and pressed his palm against his temple. "I remember it all now," he said. "So why does it still feel wrong?"

"I'm not sure, Taako. It...it must be really tough."

"We're here, though," Lup added. "You're not alone with it."

His eyes hurt too from all the crying, and his head was pounding. "I'm really not feeling so good," he breathed.

Barry touched Taako's forehead, and he flinched, turning his head away. "Sorry. You need to rest."

"Have some more water first," said Lup.

He drank more of the water that she had offered him earlier, held out to him with another Mage Hand. That made the throbbing in his head less severe but didn't help with anything else. He curled up on his side, trying not to weep.

“Do you think we should call Magnus or Merle?” whispered Barry. “They’ve been with him for the past couple of years, maybe they could help.”

“What do you think, Taako?” Lup checked with him.

Taako shook his head. He didn’t want to see them right now. They were both probably doing just fine, and here he was, falling apart. He brought his hand to his mouth and bit down lightly on the back of his knuckle.

“Okay, it can just be us for now. Close your eyes, we’ll stay right here,” Barry reassured.

A bubble of confusion and bad feelings kept rising up in his throat. He should want to be alone--no, he should want his family with him. His  _ family _ . People who loved him. He had people who  _ loved him _ . A sound like a hiccup escaped him. Everything he had believed for the past twelve years had shattered, and it was supposed to be a good thing, he was supposed to feel  _ better _ now, so why did it feel worse? He had back everything, everything he didn’t know he had been missing. Taako sat up, suddenly terrified that he would forget it all again if he fell asleep.

“Taako, it’s alright, lay down, we’re here.”

He didn’t know how to voice his fear. Was he allowed to trust people with his emotions like that? Was it alright to let them see his weaknesses? Of course it was, or it should be, this was  _ Lup _ and  _ Barry _ , his family by blood and by choice. They were with him now, he had them back. They were here, and it was  _ fine, everything is fine, you won’t forget them again, you already know this, none of those twelve years were real, just give in and let them take care of you, you stupid, stupid elf-- _

Barry was reaching for him, but he hesitantly kept his hands a few inches away like he wasn’t sure if that would help or make things worse. “Taako? Please try to breathe. You’re safe, you’re going to be alright.”

His hands were clutching the top of his head, burying his fingers in his hair until his braid started coming undone. Taako pulled his knees up to his chest. Nothing made sense. He was losing hold of reality, there were too many conflicting memories trying to push into his mind, he couldn’t  _ do this _ , he didn’t want to lose it again!

“Taako, can you hear me? It’s me, it’s Lup, I’m right here.”

He had lost it once, what was stopping him from losing it again for good? He couldn’t go back, he couldn’t, he couldn’t,  _ I can’t, I can’t, please _ …

“Please try to talk to us,” Barry begged. “How do we help? I don’t know how to help.” He sounded terrified. Why was he scared? He wasn’t the one whose mind was currently splitting in half. 

Static electricity grazed the side of his face. “Taako, just breathe,” Lup said soothingly. “Just breathe. We’re here. Let me know that you can hear me, okay?”

“Yeah,” he managed. Darkness shot through with little red sparks filled his vision as Lup pressed her spectral forehead against his. “Lup, Lup, I’m scared.”

“I know, I know.” She sounded very deliberately calm, like she was trying to cover up her own panic. He knew that tone, he knew it so well, he had heard it so many times, how could he ever have forgotten it? “Maybe if you tell us what’s going on inside your head, we could help a little better.”

“I don’t know, it doesn’t make sense,” he said desperately. “I’m going to lose everything, I’m  _ so scared _ .” How did he even have any tears left at this point?

“You’re not losing anything, Taako, honey, you’re not losing us again. We’re right here. Look at me, we’re right here. Gods, Taako! I’m never going to leave you again, okay? You’ll never, ever have to feel alone like that again. I  _ promise _ , I promise,” she said, her voice quivering and getting a strange quality around the edges as her magical being thrummed with overflowing emotion. “You won’t have to lose us again. I know that scares you, I  _ heard _ it all, remember? I’m not gonna let that happen. Please believe me.”

Somehow, Taako caught his breath. His head couldn’t believe her, but his heart was starting to. She  _ was _ his heart, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the boy is having a rough time...it's okay, all will be well eventually
> 
> I hope you're all doing well! Stay safe in these tumultuous times. I'm sending my love to all of you. <3 ~Martin


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spare taakitz? spare taakitz, anyone?
> 
> anyway, here's This

Taako opened his eyes. He couldn't remember falling asleep, and he frowned as his mind pieced together a few disparate details from last night. Getting a call from Kravitz. Talking to Lup. Crying with her. Dozing off on the couch without actually calming down. Barry coming home. Everything feeling worse and worse until Lup finally said something that made him a little less distraught. It was all mostly a blur after that.

He focused his vision on the clock on the wall and was surprised to see that it was about four in the morning. He must have only been asleep for a few hours. Taako took a deep breath. By some miracle, his mind was clear again. He sat up and saw Lup trancing at the foot of the bed. Barry was sound asleep next to Taako, slumped halfway sitting up against some pillows like he had been trying to watch over him until he just couldn't stay awake anymore. The room was dark, but the door was open and the hallway light was on.

They had stayed with him. A little bit of the tightly wound knot of fear inside of him loosened. He adjusted one of Barry's pillows so he would be less likely to wake up with a sore neck, then laid down and went back to sleep.

When he woke up a few hours later, he was still feeling better. Barry was sitting in a chair in the corner, drinking some coffee, and Taako awoke to the sound of Lup complaining in a whisper about how much she missed being able to drink coffee and really, it just wasn't  _ fair _ of Barry to be drinking it in front of her, to which Barry retorted that he had spent the last twelve years switching between being incorporeal as well or missing most of his memories (which did not lead to a very healthy sleep schedule) and he was  _ going _ to drink coffee, but that he would make Lup as much coffee as she wanted when she had a body to inhabit again. Taako smiled as he sat up.

"Fuck, I missed your stupid banter," he told them.

"Taako! You're awake. How are you feeling?" Lup said quickly.

"Less shitty than I could be." He rubbed his eyes and got out of bed. "I'm gonna putter in the kitchen. Want some breakfast, Barry?"

"I already ate," Barry replied. "But thanks. Do you, um...want us to come with you?"

"I think I'm okay by myself for a little while," Taako said simply. He felt for his stone of farspeech, which was still in his pocket from yesterday. It didn't buzz in his hand--Kravitz hadn't called him yet or left him a message.

"We'll be around if you need us," said Lup.

Taako went to the kitchen. It wasn't a very impressive or well-stocked one. Grocery shopping hadn't exactly been at the top of their list of things to do. They had some eggs, though, and some spices and some cheese, so Taako cracked a few into a bowl and made himself some breakfast. He could hear Barry and Lup talking in the living room as he washed the dishes. It all felt very normal. It also kind of felt like he was trying to grab hold of something slippery, and not just because of the plate he was rinsing after Prestidigitating it mostly clean. He'd had this back for so short of a time. His hold on it was so tenuous. What if it all slipped away from him again while he wasn't paying attention?

_ No _ , he reminded himself. Lup wasn't going to let that happen. She had promised, and he trusted her.

Still, the normalcy also felt so incredibly abnormal. Taako found himself expecting Magnus and Merle to be there, and kept turning around to tell them something funny he had thought of before remembering that Merle was in Goldcliff and Magnus was with Lucretia and both of them had other things now to do than hang around him. Back on the Starblaster, they had of course been close--they were  _ all _ close, it was impossible not to be--but it sort of seemed like they were just going to drift back into their natural groupings. Taako and Lup with Barry right beside them, Magnus and Lucretia as the two youngest, and Merle and Davenport with their sort of co-parenting energy had automatically come back together. That was fine, Taako would have expected that…

But something about the idea of not having Magnus and Merle nearby now felt wrong to him. For the past couple of years, they had been the only family he knew. They were all he had. Now he had his sister back, and Barry, and that was  _ great _ , but the past few nights were pretty much the only nights in the last two years he hadn't spent in the same building as Magnus and Merle and it was  _ weird _ . It gave Taako a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach.

_ I miss them _ , he realized. Then, _ those assholes. Somehow, they dragged me into caring about them twice. _

His stone of farspeech beeped as he was drying his hands on a towel, and he answered it. "Hey-o," he said.

"Seems like the astral plane is back to normal!" Kravitz said cheerfully. "Or, well, as normal as it ever was. Is your schedule still clear?"

"Yeah, deffo, pumpkin. You wanna meet somewhere or do you know where we’re at?” asked Taako.

“I can always find you,” Kravitz said. He paused. “That sounded creepier than I intended it to.”

With a laugh, Taako replied, “No worries, I gotcha. You can come here then--I’m sure you’ve got to talk to my sister and her husband about the whole lich thing, yeah?”

“Well. Yeah, eventually. But really, I just want to see you.”

A little bit of heat rose to Taako’s cheeks. “Aw, I’m blushing,” he said, trying to sound sarcastic.

"When should I come over?"

"Let's give it an hour," Taako replied, thinking about the 2-day-old sweatpants he was currently wearing and his definitely gross hair. "'kay?"

"See you in an hour," Kravitz confirmed. "I'm really looking forward to it."

"Uh-huh, I bet you are. See you soon, Krav." Taako put his stone away and ducked back into the living room. "Kravitz is gonna come over in an hour," he announced.

Barry looked just a little nervous. "That's absolutely fine, but Taako, I just want to know beforehand.  _ Is _ he gonna try to reap us? Or arrest us?"

"I'll try to plead your case." Taako's hand came up to adjust his braid, and he grimaced when he realized that he could hardly call the mess on his head a  _ braid _ anymore. "Yeah, I think it'll be okay. But I am in dire need of a shower, so let's talk about it after I make myself presentable."

"Wear some purple, it's a good color on you," Lup advised.

"I'll take that into consideration," snorted Taako. Shaking his head, he went off to take a shower. He picked a loose light purple shirt and a long grey skirt to put on afterwards. When he stepped out of the shower, having used an almost excessive amount of conditioner to get all of the gross tangles out of his hair, he tried to run a brush through it. After just a few strokes, he realized that his hands were shaking. Like, a  _ lot _ . "Well, that's weird," he muttered. Now that he thought about it, his whole body was trembling a little. He got dressed and went back to the living room. He sat down on the ground with a sigh, starting up with the brush again.

"You okay?" checked Barry after a few moments of Taako struggling with his hair.

Helplessly, Taako held out his hand to demonstrate how much it was shaking. "Something's bein' weird."

"Huh. Um, it's probably getting your memories back," Barry said. "Does all sorts of weird things like that for the first week or two."

Lup floated over. "Yeah, dude, you're like...vibrating."

"I'm gonna have to try putting it up in a bun, this is not working," Taako complained.

"Want me to try?"

Taako raised his eyebrows at Barry. "You wanna braid my hair? Be my guest," he said casually. Actually, that sounded pretty nice. Except for the couple of times that Merle had braided his hair, he was pretty sure nobody had touched it…well, in twelve years. Hm. That sucked. He slid over to the floor in front of the couch so Barry could reach him. “Wait, do you even know how to braid?” he asked.

“Vaguely.”

“Lup, help him,” instructed Taako.

Lup laughed and settled down on the couch next to Barry. “Don’t worry, Ko, I’m not gonna let him fuck up your hair. Okay, Barry, you’re gonna need to finish brushing it out first before you try parting it. Start at the bottom and slowly start making longer brush strokes starting higher up...there you go.”

As his hair was being brushed, Taako closed his eyes. More of the lingering sensations of discomfort and wrongness were dissipating.

“I do sort of remember how to do this,” Barry pointed out, speaking in a slightly hushed voice. “I used to do it for you all the time. It’s just...been a while.”

“I keep mine curlier than Taako does, though, so his is actually easier to deal with. See, you’re doing great,” said Lup. She showed him how to part the hair to start braiding. “Careful, don’t try to go too fast.”

“Are you doing okay, Taako?” Barry asked after a minute. “You’re being really quiet.”

“‘m good,” mumbled Taako. He could feel the trembling in his limbs calming a little. Barry was almost done with the braid, but Taako wished he wasn’t. “Um. Actually?”

“Yeah, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, just...can you maybe start over?”

He could almost hear the dejected frown as Barry asked, “Did I do it wrong?”

Lup answered for him. “No, babe, he just wants you to keep braiding. Y’know, it feels nice. It’s comforting.”

“Oh,” Barry realized. “Yeah, of course.”

Taako forced the part of himself that wanted to shy away from this vulnerability to be quiet. That part was trying to get him back to the state he had been in two years ago, and he refused to let it ruin this for him. He deliberately relaxed his shoulders and let his ears rest down into a contented, calm position they hadn’t seen much of recently.

Lup took the opportunity to teach Barry a few more complicated braiding techniques, talking quietly and occasionally laughing when Barry got confused. Soon, Taako had completely stopped shivering and was actually feeling like he might fall asleep despite having only woken up a few hours ago.

Then there was a knock at the door. Taako jumped.

“Hey, hold still, I’m almost done with this one,” Barry said.

“I’ll get the door,” Lup said, using a Mage Hand to unlock and turn the door handle.

Taako wanted to get up immediately to greet Kravitz, but then all of Barry’s hard work on this braid would have fallen out, so he stayed still. “Hey, Krav, c’mon in,” he invited.

Kravitz took in the scene--two liches, one corporeal and one not, sitting on the couch and working together to braid his boyfriend’s hair. He sort of shrugged and came in. “It’s great to see you,” he said.

“You too. Give me a sec, I’ll say hi properly.”

Barry tied a ribbon deftly at the end of the braid. “There you go.”

Taako hopped to his feet and rushed over to Kravitz, grabbing both of his hands. “Hey, pumpkin! Glad you could finally drag yourself away from work to finally come and see me!”

“Believe me, I would have preferred to be with you.” Kravitz leaned in like he was about to kiss Taako before hesitating and glancing, a little uncomfortably, at the two liches on the couch.

Taako put his hand on the back of Kravitz’s neck and pulled him down to kiss him. Though Kravitz initially seemed unsure, he quickly gave in to the kiss. Taako heard a stifled sound from the couch behind him and broke away from the kiss to turn his head and glare at his sister, who was covering her eyes with her hand and pretending to be disgusted. Barry was also averting his eyes, but he was turning red like he was genuinely embarrassed to be seeing such a private moment. “Oh, come on,” scoffed Taako. “As if I didn’t have to watch the two of you making out on the Starblaster for fifty fuckin’ years! Grow up.”

Barry’s face became several shades redder.

“You know, that’s fair,” Lup said, uncovering her face, “but you  _ did _ tease us about it every single chance you got, so, uh, prepare for some payback, bud.”

With a dramatic sigh, Taako gestured towards her. “See, Krav,  _ this _ is what I had to deal with for two hundred and forty years of my life. C’mon, let’s find somewhere without an audience for a bit. I’ll introduce you properly to these two chucklefucks after we’ve talked.”

“Okay,” Kravitz said. He waved cautiously at Lup and Barry as Taako took his hand and pulled him out the door.

“Have fun, you two!” Lup called. Taako stuck his tongue out at her before closing the door.

He led Kravitz out of the building and down the street until he found a little picnic table stuck behind some trees in a tiny park. If it wasn’t for the crumbled tops of a few buildings in the city that could be seen over the treeline, Taako could almost forget that this world had barely averted an apocalypse just a few days ago. The two of them sat down on the same side of the picnic table, facing outward, gazing at the rest of the park. Neither said anything for a minute.

“I guess I’m a little different than the Taako you first met, huh?” said Taako eventually. “And I know...I know you already told me that you still...you love me still. But that was. Y’know. That was in the middle of a battle, and a glowing jellyfish had just projected a hundred years of my life’s story into everybody’s heads, which painted me in a pretty good light. I honestly wouldn’t blame you if you’re figuring out that I’m a little too much to handle.”

“Am I supposed to be  _ handling _ you, Taako?” Kravitz said. There was some amusement in his voice, a hint of a smile. “I don’t...I mean, I love you. And if we’re talking about handling, well, I’m  _ Death _ . Of the two of us, I feel like I’m probably the more difficult one to handle.”

“Krav, you’re one of the  _ less weird _ people I love,” Taako replied, laughing. “But seriously, when you got to know me, I was the obnoxious elf with huge holes in his memory, who had spent his whole life alone and friendless. I was guarded, and cagey. I was missing half of my soul, y’know? Lup is…” He swallowed. “Lup is everything to me, Kravitz. And I’m pretty much a different person when I have her around than I was when I didn’t. If you fell in love with that Taako, I just don’t see how you can be in love with me now. I’m still obnoxious, don’t get me wrong, but the other stuff…”

“Can I--hey, can I be honest?”

Taako nodded.

“I fell in love with you knowing that there were parts of you I couldn’t see--that  _ you _ couldn’t see. I didn’t know what they were. Sometimes, I was...I was definitely a little afraid that if you found them again, you would be someone else and I wouldn’t know you anymore. But you don’t seem like someone else, Taako. You don’t seem like a different person. You seem like the same person, only now you remember who you are. Before, there was always this feeling like you were sort of lost. I saw it in your eyes when I asked questions you couldn’t answer, a...a fear, a grief you couldn’t identify. I look into your eyes now and you don’t look afraid anymore. That’s the difference. And the only difference in  _ my _ feelings is that I’m happier, because you’re happier--because I love you, and you aren’t carrying around the grief that you had before. Does that...does that make sense?" Kravitz finished. He bit his lip.

"Yeah," answered Taako. "Yeah, it does." He tilted his head up and stopped Kravitz from worrying at his lip anxiously with a kiss.

"This part is nice, too," sighed Kravitz.

"I'm still not, like, the chillest with being touched," Taako warned. "I might warm up to it, but still, for now, maybe...maybe let me start stuff? Or just ask first."

"I'll follow your lead," he assured.

"But also! You can tell me if  _ you  _ don't wanna do anything, too, this ain't a one way street," Taako said quickly. "Yeah?"

"Oh, yeah, of course." Kravitz looked down at their interlocking fingers and smiled a little. "Just so you know, it's been a while since I've done any of this, too. So, uh, I guess...I’ll be patient with you, and you’ll be patient with me? We can figure out all this weird stuff together.”

“You’re a dork,” said Taako affectionately. “And yeah. We’ll figure it out together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoa sorry y'all apparently i needed to watch the entirety of avatar: the last airbender over the past two weeks so? i'm probably going to have a minor hyperfixation on that for a little while, who knows if i'll post any of the dumb fic i'm writing but. anyway, i'll try to keep up with this one, too. and postponing inevitability. man, it would be so good if I could just *clenches fists* write the last 3-4 chapters
> 
> comments are nice, comments make me less likely to forget this fic exists for several days (didn't help that AO3's email system is still down for me so i have to manually check for comments every day lmao)
> 
> also i'm doing commissions for donations to bail funds for protesters, check out my tumblr and/or message me there for details @argonaut--keene. Black Lives Matter & ACAB. Tzedek, Tzedek Tirdof. Pursue justice. Run towards it like your life depends on it. It does.
> 
> sending my love to all <3 ~Martin


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just gonna stop apologizing for time gaps between chapters lol, y'all know the drill. Summer semester just started. I'm starting to DM a new campaign in...*checks time* forty minutes. Books. Life. Sometimes fic has to take a step back, and that's okay! But I do hope you enjoy this chapter! We love Lup in this house! <3

“Is she still asleep?”

Taako put his finger to his lips as he looked up at Barry in the doorway.

“Got it,” he whispered. “I’ll be in the library if you need me.”

Taako nodded. He glanced down where the solid weight of Lup’s head rested in his lap. Sunlight from the wide open window streamed in and warmed them, though the air outside was probably cold. Late afternoon drowsiness had overcome Lup while they had been talking, and she had fallen asleep. Taako ran his hand over her hair, which she had cut short soon after getting her corporeal body back because it had been annoying her by hanging around her face and contributed to some sensory problems she had begun to have. It had been two weeks since she had gotten into her body, and things finally seemed to be settling down for her. She could eat and sleep and move around without much difficulty, re-learning everything she had forgotten in her twelve years trapped inside an umbrella.

Lup sighed, turning her head to the side so she was facing away from the sun. She draped her wrist over her face, covering her eyes. “I can’t believe we grew up on a world with two suns and now just one is too bright,” she mumbled. 

“Pretty unbelievable,” agreed Taako absently. He used a Mage Hand to close the curtains halfway so the sun was no longer right in her eyes. “Good nap?”

“Mm.” Lup yawned. “Hey, sleeping is the best. I wish I could sleep twenty hours a day, like a cat.”

“You pretty much have been,” laughed Taako. “I’m surprised you haven’t sprouted whiskers and a tail.”

She squinted up at him. “You’re not allowed to tease me, I’m still recovering from the ordeal of suddenly having a body after twelve years of incorporeality,” she said, with a pout hiding her smile.

“Of course I’m allowed, you’re my sister,” Taako scoffed.

“I’m just so  _ tired _ ,” Lup stated. “And you and Barry won’t let me chug six cups of coffee every day to stay awake, so if you think about it, it’s  _ your _ fault, really.”

“Sure.” Taako rolled his eyes. “Are you gonna be too tired to have everyone over for dinner tomorrow like we planned?”

Lup sat up. “No, I want that,” she insisted. “I’ve hardly seen anyone since I got my body back, I wanna see them and cook for them and give them all hugs so tight they can’t breathe.”

“I know, I know. Just don’t exhaust yourself, ‘kay?”

Her eyes sparkled. “I won’t have to worry about that if I can have all the coffee I want.”

Taako laughed again. “I won’t  _ stop _ you, but when you get sick because you can’t handle that much caffeine yet, you better go running to Barry, not me, ‘cause I hate to say I told you so.”

“You love to say I told you so.”

“Well, maybe so,” he conceded. “You’ll be fine without coffee, anyway. If I have to kick everyone out at eight so you can go to bed, I will. No matter how much Magnus complains.”

“Oh, give me some credit. I’ll be awake until at  _ least _ eight thirty,” she said, struggling to keep a straight face.

“Well, Merle’s gonna have to leave around then anyway, ‘cause his kids have, like, a bedtime,” said Taako.

“A bedtime, huh? Did we  _ ever _ have a bedtime when we were kids?” asked Lup.

There was an instinctual reaction in Taako’s mind to shy away from thinking back to that time, like he expected the disconcerting white sheet over his memories to be there still. It was like he was afraid of looking back at the past in case he saw something else missing, and it had been happening a lot as Lup tried to talk about anything from back home.

“Taako?” Lup said after a moment. “You okay? You just got sort of glassy-eyed.”

“Hm?”

She reached out and grasped his wrist. For just a second, the touch felt foreign and Taako flinched away. “Taako?”

“Sorry, I...got lost in thought, you startled me,” he said quickly, letting her take his hand again.

She clearly didn’t believe him, but she didn’t press, either.

Taako changed the subject. “So, what desserts should we make for tomorrow? We’ve got the main meal planned out and the grocery list written, but I have to know what we want for dessert so I can get the right stuff when I go to the store later tonight.”

They discussed the various merits and disadvantages of several puddings, cakes, pies, and other confections for a few minutes without coming to any conclusion. Then, Lup brightened. “Actually, wait, I know exactly what I want to make!”

“Oh? What?”

“I don’t suppose you remember the recipe for Auntie’s chocolate raspberry cake?” Lup asked.

Taako was about to say  _ of course I do! _ , but something stopped him.  _ Did _ he remember the recipe? He hadn’t lost it before--it was actually in his first published cookbook. But what if he had forgotten something about it? What if it wasn’t the same as what Lup remembered? He didn’t want to disappoint her like that. “Let’s do something else,” he said bluntly. “There’s a nice sponge cake with blackberry jam that a halfling taught me a few years back--”

“Hold on, Taako--”

“Or I could just make a plain vanilla ice cream and have a bunch of toppings, the kids would love that,” he added. “And that’s pretty hard to fuck up, at least.”

“Taako?” Lup squeezed his hand hard, making him look at her.

“Ow,” he said mildly.

“Hm, okay. I think maybe we need to talk about something?”

“What? No, we don’t need to talk about anything. Except desserts. I could have a non-dairy option for Barry if we went with the ice cream, don’t worry,” he deflected.

“Nope, that’s not it.”

“I don’t see anything else--”

“Why are you afraid of trying an old recipe from home?” Lup demanded.

“That’s ridiculous!” he said.

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I don’t understand it.”

Taako turned away from her and pulled his knees up to his chest, wincing.  _ Fuck, when is everything going to stop hurting from Wonderland? _

“Taako, please don’t ignore me,” Lup said softly.

“I just don’t want to talk about it. Can’t you respect that?” he muttered.

Lup paused. She was quiet for a while, and Taako could hear her slow breathing. "Yeah, alright. I won't make you talk about it."

He grunted in acknowledgment.

"Ice cream sounds good," she added softly.

"Cool, I'll do that one then."

She moved a little closer to him. "I won't make you talk," she repeated, "but you know you can always talk to me. Right?"

"I know, I know." He tried to dismiss it with a casual wave of his hand, but he still didn't turn back towards her or even look at her.

Her chin rested on his shoulder. "I just want to make sure you know that you don't have to keep it all to yourself. If something is bothering you, please talk to me about it."

"Listen, I  _ know _ , Lu! Why are you so sure something is bothering me?" Taako asked. "You don't have your lich-y emotion sensing anymore, it's not like you can read my mind." He shrugged her off, suddenly not wanting anyone to be touching him.

"I've never needed to read your mind, Taako."

"Whatever. You don't know everything, Lup. You don't know  _ me _ as well as you used to, either, so don't pretend we're so in sync that you can just tell what I'm feeling all the time. Because you can't."

He regretted his harsh words and irritated tone when Lup went silent, no ready retort shooting back at him. After a minute, he dared to glance over his shoulder. Lup was sitting in the same position that he was, her knees to her chest, facing away from him. Their backs were only a foot away from each other, but it felt like miles.

Taako took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“‘s okay.”

“No, it’s not.”

“No. It’s not. But it’s okay.”

“I just…”

"You don't have to--"

"But I do," he insisted. "You're  _ right _ , Lu, you're fucking right, I can't just not talk to you about this shit." He didn't turn around, but she did. Taako shifted so he was closer to facing her by a few degrees. It was all he could manage.

"So talk to me," she said.

"It scares me, trying to remember stuff," he said simply. "Stuff from home, or from the ship. I can't bring myself to try, usually."

Lup didn't say anything, just nodded like it made sense.

"If I don't try to hold onto any of it, then I can't lose it," Taako continued, knowing that he was talking nonsense but also that Lup would understand anyway. And if she didn't, it didn't matter--she would still believe him. "If I never try to remember anything from before, then it won't matter if I forget it again. I'll never know, so it won't matter. It's like I'm too afraid to check if it's still there."

"Sometimes when I wake up in the morning and my eyes are still closed," Lup said slowly, "I'll have the thought that I'm still in the umbrastaff and everything since then has been a sort of dream. If I don't open my eyes, I'll think, I won't know for sure, and if I'm still trapped, I can live with the hope that I'm not for a little while longer."

A brief pulse of relief pressed through Taako's mind. She  _ did _ understand.

"And then Barry will move next to me, or I'll smell the coffee downstairs--wow, I really want coffee now--"

Taako laughed.

"And I'll know it's all real without even having to open my eyes," she finished. "Right now, with me, do you still feel like you've forgotten something?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "I think that's the whole point. I can't know unless I check."

"So check. Tell me the recipe for Auntie's chocolate raspberry cake."

"What?"

"Prove to yourself that you remember it," Lup said.

"I don't know--"

" _ I _ remember it, so you can be sure you're not forgetting anything by checking with me. And if you did forget something, I can remind you."

He stared at her. "You think that'll work?"

Lup shrugged. "I don't think it'll fix everything, but it might be a step closer to not worrying about it all the time. Worth a try, right?"

So Taako listed the ingredients one by one and described how they were combined, recalling the way their aunt had trimmed the edges off each layer so that they were round and perfectly smooth. Lup nodded along, confirming everything he was saying. "And she would let me lick the spoon and you would lick the bowl," he said.

"Because I didn't care if I got chocolate in my hair," Lup said with a laugh. "You got everything right, see? No forgetting there."

He tilted his head, conceding the point. "I still would rather make ice cream, though."

"It's gonna be cold," she pointed out. "It's not even a month until Candlenights. Cake can be served warm."

"You really want me to make the cake, huh?" He met her unwavering gaze. "Fine, I'll make the cake. But I'm making ice cream to go with it."

"You've got yourself a deal," Lup told him, grinning.

He finally could turn to face her fully. She took that as an invitation to move to him and pull him into a hug.

"Are you feeling any better?" she asked against his shoulder.

"Yeah, a little." Taako let her hug him, trying to commit the feeling to memory so strongly that he would never be able to lose it again. "Can…"

"What's up?" asked Lup after he had hesitated for a few seconds.

"Can I maybe check other things with you sometimes? To make sure I didn't forget?"

"Whenever you want," she promised.

He exhaled softly. "Thanks for not telling me I'm being paranoid."

Lup leaned against him, pushing gently but steadily until he gave in and fell sideways so they were lying next to each other on the carpet. "You're welcome."

"I didn't really consider that you...that you  _ get it _ , too."

"I know." She nudged her head against his arm and wove their fingers together. 

Taako forced a laugh. “I’m pretty stupid sometimes, aren’t I?”

Her grip on his hand tightened. “No, actually,” she said seriously, “you’re just about the smartest person I know.”

“Huh.”

“I mean, don’t go telling everyone I said that, I’ve got a reputation to keep. But yeah. You’re one of the smartest people I know, including myself. Just because you and your brain don’t always see eye to eye these days doesn’t mean you’re stupid.”

“It just means I’m damaged?” Taako said.

“We’re all  _ damaged _ , Taako. So what? We’re still here, that’s the important part,” Lup replied vehemently.

“Well, maybe you’re right,” said Taako.  _ And maybe I’ll even believe you someday, _ were the unspoken words that followed. And maybe Lup  _ could _ still read his mind a little bit, because although she didn’t say anything in return, she looked at him, paused for a moment, and nodded in acceptance of the uncertainty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was, I believe, the second-to-last chapter. At least, I only have one more planned and I don't see it continuing past that. In a way, I'm a little sad because it's been fabulous hearing so many nice things from y'all, but also I'm going to be a bit relieved when I don't have any active ongoing fics here (looking at you, last 3-5 chapters of Postponing Inevitability...why won't you just write yourself?!), just to take a bit of a hiatus for the rest of the summer semester before probably starting to post Another Way (which I also need to work on, but honestly i'm just Busy with a capital B).
> 
> Please leave a comment if you enjoyed this chapter! I hope everyone is staying safe. Love you. <3 ~Martin


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooray, final chapter! I'm going to keep this short--enjoy! <3

Taako popped another bite of chocolate raspberry cake in his mouth and sighed contentedly. He moved around the kitchen, humming softly and tunelessly as he gathered up some dishes from dinner and stacked them in the sink (he’d deal with them tomorrow).

The sound of delighted gasping and laughter and something like a small explosion drifted in through an open window. Vaguely concerned, Taako looked out the window and had to smile. The sun was just setting, and Lup had taken Mookie, Mavis, and Angus out onto the front lawn and was shooting fireworks out of her fingers.

“Do it again!” shouted Mookie.

Taako made his way to the door. He stood on the porch, leaning against the wall and watching as Lup made a burst of bright green sparks over Mookie’s head. The kid was so delighted that he bounced up and down, then tripped over his own feet and sprawled out on the grass, laughing.

“She’s gonna light one of those kids on fire by accident,” said Magnus. Taako hadn’t noticed him in the shadows on the other side of the wide, canopied wooden bench he had built.

“Ah, let her,” snorted Merle, who had also escaped Taako’s notice before now. “They probably would learn something from it, little brats.” The fondness in his voice heavily overshadowed his harsh words.

“Nah, if Lup lights someone on fire, it’s never an accident,” said Taako. He sat down right in the middle of the bench. From the new vantage point, he could just see Barry and Kravitz standing by the edge of the house. They were deep in conversation--Barry was waving his hands emphatically like he did while he tried to explain some strange, obscure bit of necromantic magic and Kravitz was nodding.

The temperature was dropping quickly. Autumn was reaching the end of its reign, and Taako could hardly believe it had been five months since... _ since _ . That was nearly half a year.

They didn’t need to measure their lives in years anymore, but the habit of a hundred cycles was hard to break.

“How do you  _ do _ that?” Angus asked Lup, wonder and awe in his voice like there always was when he saw someone doing magic he couldn’t do. “I’ve never managed to cast a spell without a magic focus, and you’re just moving your hands!”

Lup laughed. She pointed at the sky and a huge, golden cloud of a firework exploded above her. “Pumpkin, I’m a lich,” she told him. “My  _ whole body _ is my magic focus.”

Angus’s eyes got very wide, and Taako made a mental note to tell Barry to  _ never _ explain how to become a lich to him.

As Lup drew an image of the Starblaster in the air, in dancing silver sparks, Taako suddenly remembered standing on a street corner and watching his sister put on a similar show. They hadn’t eaten in a couple days, and they didn’t stand out much in the dirty, crowded city they were passing through. Other kids out on the streets could be seen on every other corner, some of them pickpocketing for their dinner, others performing, others too tired or hungry to do either so they just sat in the middle of the sidewalk and hoped someone would take pity on them.

_ “Koko, watch,” Lup had said. “I bet I can get ten silver pieces in the next hour.” _

A smile tugged at the corner of Taako’s lips as he recalled how she had painted pictures in flames on the side of a building and then blown into her hand to form a little glowing butterfly, which had flapped over in front of the nose of a little wealthy human girl passing down the middle of the street with her father. She had gasped and turned to follow the butterfly, despite her father shouting for her to come back, not to talk to the street kids.

_ “What sort of picture do you want?” Lup asked. The little girl looked about the same age as her, though of course, being an elf, she was actually about thirty. _

_ “Can you do flowers?” demanded the child. _

_ “Of course I can do flowers!” scoffed Lup, and she drew a field of wildflowers in vivid flames on the dusty brick. _

_ “Trina, come back!” the man shouted. _

_ The girl hesitated and backed away. Then her eyes fell on the empty pointed hat, sitting on the ground in front of Lup. She reached into her pocket and threw a handful of coins into the hat before running away. _

They got almost twenty silver pieces that day, enough to eat for a month. But despite Taako arguing with her not to, Lup tossed about half of them towards other, younger kids as they made their way through the city to find a cheap place to buy food.  _ “You can’t always be nice, Lup, sometimes we come first!” _

_ “I’m not giving all of it away, am I? Besides, I earned it, I get to decide what to do with it.” _

“Hey, you look like you just astral projected,” joked Magnus, sitting down next to Taako. “Where’d you go?”

Taako shook his head, distracted. “Huh?”

Magnus tapped the middle of Taako’s forehead.

“Hey!”

“Where’d you go?” Magnus repeated. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Taako pushed his hand away. It was weird, but he hadn’t felt afraid to think about that particular memory. He gazed off into the distance, lost in thought again as he started noticing the stars coming out. Stars were good. He had never taken a lot of notice of the stars back home before he had gotten to the IPRE academy. He hadn’t watched them much during the twelve years he was alone, either, but he was glad that the ones that the Hunger had consumed in its attack had returned to the sky.

Merle settled on the bench on his other side. “Taako, Taako, come in, Taako,” he said, mimicking the way a voice sounds over a stone of farspeech. “Where are you?”

Taako shoved him, mock-irritated. “Right here, old man, or do you need new glasses?”

“I mean, probably, yeah actually. But Mags is right, you seem distant. Whatcha thinkin’ about?” asked Merle.

“Uh…” Thoughts were flighty little creatures. Taako wasn’t entirely sure he could explain what he was thinking, not with words. “Good question.”

“You okay?” Magnus said again, now sounding a little concerned.

“Yeah, it’s just…” Taako hesitated and then gestured out at the lawn, at Lup and the kids playing, at Barry and Kravitz who had wandered a little closer to watch the light show, at the peaceful night sky, at the comfortable house behind him. “This is  _ real _ , you know?”

Magnus nodded and put his arm around Taako’s shoulders. Taako leaned into him, not even needing to lie to himself that it was just because it was cold out and Magnus was warm (though that was also true).

_ I really did miss these two dorks _ , he thought as Merle slid closer and put his hand on his back.

“I have the same Pan-damned realization every single day,” Merle stated.

“Me too,” Magnus added. “It’s...it’s over. Like, for real this time.”

“I didn’t ever think it would end like this,” Taako admitted. “I never really believed…”

“It hasn’t ended. What are you two talking about?” Merle said. “What do you mean? We’re still alive, aren’t we? This isn’t the end of anything, it’s just a change. If anything, it’s a beginning.”

Magnus paused, then said, “Well, yeah. But the constant fighting, the uncertainty, the whole not-having-a-home, and then not-knowing-who-we-are thing. That’s over. Like, when people tell our story, that’s where they’ll end it. They’ll say we had our happily-ever-after, or whatever, and then the story ends. But we’re still living past the last chapter.”

Merle shook his head. “I guess I just don’t think about it that way.”

“That’s okay, you don’t have to,” Taako murmured.

“You know what else I’ve been thinking?” Magnus said abruptly. “Isn’t it weird that I know you guys twice?”

Taako laughed. He hadn’t expected that statement, but, well, it wasn’t  _ wrong _ .

“It’s true!” Merle chuckled. “Friends twice-over, huh? Double friends.”

“I guess we’ll just have to wait and see if it’s true what they say, that the third time’s the charm,” Taako quipped.

“Hey!” said Magnus.

“The  _ nerve _ !” sputtered Merle.

And Taako laughed again, comfortable in the knowledge that they knew he was joking, and he knew he was joking. His heart felt full but light at the same time. He was whole, and loved, and something approaching happy. There were no white sheets in his memory, no blank pages in his life except for the innumerable ones stretching into the future. He saw it like Merle must, not as an ending but as a beginning, and those blank pages didn't scare him anymore, because on them, invisible now but undeniably present, were more moments just like this one, waiting for him in unwritten chapters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Forever is composed of Nows-- / 'Tis not a different time, / Except for infiniteness / And latitude of home. / From this, experienced here, / Remove the dates to these, / Let months dissolve in further months, / And years exhale in years._
> 
> ~Emily Dickinson
> 
> (Speaking of: if you're interested in my takes on other aspects of post-finale and post-this-fic life, check out Invisible Scars and Postponing Inevitability! I hope my Emily Dickinson quoting isn't too pretentious lmao. Much love! Stay safe out there! Take care of yourself. <3 ~Martin)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm @argonaut--keene on tumblr. (I mentioned working on this fic months ago there as "Taako gets hugged" and I'm finally publishing it!) Come be my friend!


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